Hundreds of booky arseholes expected
at Whitstable literary festival
Whitstable is bracing itself for in influx of arseholes banging on about how good poetry and books are.
Whitstable’s first
ever literary festival begins in May and is expected to attract a whole bunch
of whining, corduroy jacket wearing book fans to sit and listen whilst some
writer that no-one’s ever really heard of tries desperately to flog his or her
new book.
The same people are expected to listen to poetry recitals and
the occasional Haiku about fracking.
Bookworm Jim Nopades said, “I sit on my arse all day reading
books and stuff. It’ll be great to have someone actually read it for me. But I
won’t be wearing corduroy”.
 |
| Locals react to news of the May Literary Festival |
Local pubs are ordering in extra wine, along with the smaller
125ml glasses favoured by the type of whiney ponce that the festival is set to
attract, as Pearson’s barman Alex Crawford explained, “Yes, they normally sit
in groups of four and share one fucking bottle of wine for an hour. They just
sit there and read books. The only people who will benefit from this festival
are the ones who make those little leather elbow pads for their horrible
fucking jackets. We hate them, we do. HATE them”.
Organiser Orson Fitch said, “It’s a very exciting festival,
with lots of bookworms talking about...actually...tell you the truth. It’ll be
fucking boring and people will be begging for it to be over quickly. What was I
even thinking?”
Wetherspoons pub flood
‘Kind of Peter Cushing’s fault’ – Cllr Gibley.
Indirect association
with ‘Nooftah writer’ to blame.
A flood which closed down Wethersppons pub yesterday has been
blamed on Peter Cushing by local councillor John Gibley.
The Peter Cushing pub was still closed today as management
and staff tried to clear up the mess left behind after the upstairs toilets
flooded – sending water and effluent cascading into the pub.
“It was shocking”, said local chav regular Kevin Burberry, “I
was tucking into my steak and chips and Guinness for £1.90 and when the ceiling
caved in and gave me a proper soaking”.
The pub was immediately closed and engineers were sent to the
pub to investigate the source of the upstairs flood.
It is believed that a blocked drainage pipe caused waste
water to back up and come back out through the toilets. It had been gathering
in a pool between the toilet floor and pub ceiling for days when it finally
burst.
The empty pub yesterday (below). Engineers can be seen on the left, not really knowing what they’re supposed to
be doing, but doing it anyway.
A pub worker, who asked not to be named, said “It caused
quite a stir. Some of the regulars – the ones that wear shell suits – had never
seen water before and started dancing around the water like wild animals before
they were asked to leave”.
Now, it seems, the blame game has swung into action, with the
pub blaming Southern water for failing to clean the drains and Southern water
blaming the council and now, the council, or Cllr John Gibley at least, is
blaming veteran actor and Whitstable legend Peter Cushing.
“Peter Cushing was in Dr Who years ago”, said Gibley, “And
the new Doctor Who’s were written by Russell T Davis, who everyone knows is a
nooftah and God hates nooftahs. This is God taking his revenge in a mysterious way, because that’s how
God does stuff. Mysteriously”.
But local resident Jon Boid was quick to dismiss Gibley’s
claim with his own theory.
“Gibley is once again talking out of his arse”, said Boid,
“Has he never SEEN Countess Dracula?! Ingrid Pitt was a lesbian in that, and
Cushing ended up driving a stake through her heart, for Christ’s sake. He did
God’s work for him!”.
Manager of the Wetherspoon’s pub, John Smith, said, “I don’t
know who’s to blame. But I’ll have words with that Ingrid Pitt woman if she
comes in here”.
Crazy New Adventures With...
Recent traffic jams
affecting childhood profanity
As
Whitstable saw its worst ever gridlock on Sunday when the sun came out for two
hours, some local parents have reported a disturbing knock-on effect in their
children.
Parents have
reported an increase in profanity among their children, and have blamed
frustrated drivers as they crawl along Oxford Street at 2mph. Cressida
Huntingdon – Fyah Fyah, of Albert Street has asked the council to ease the
traffic queues after her 4 year old daughter swore at her.
“I had been pushing
Jemima along in her buggy and was listening to all sorts of profanity from the
frustrated drivers. When I got home, Jemima climbed into her little pedal car
and started driving around the kitchen saying, “Get a fucking move on, y’cunt”...and, “You could get a fucking bus through that gap, you soppy bastard”...I
was shocked. Shocked and upset”.
Another
parent, Matilda Swanson of Swanfield Road, told The Wind Farm, “I have two
children, and they came face to face in the hallway in their little pedal cars.
My son, Hamish said, “Back up, you
fucking pissprick...this is my right of way”, and my daughter refused. She
said, ‘Where the fuck am I supposed to
go, you fucking bellend?’...I had to bribe them out of their cars with
sweets eventually”.
Even bus
passengers reported an increase in childhood cursing, as Helena Schmitzz of
Victoria Street told us.
 |
| Whitstable high street at two o'fucking clock last Sunday. |
“I was stuck
on the bus with my 3 year old daughter for nearly an hour and had to endure all
sorts of abuse aimed at the driver, poor thing. Car drivers were saying F-this
and F-that, but he couldn’t move any faster because some idiot was loading his
shopping into his car outside Iceland”.
Schmitzz
claims that when she put her daughter to bed that night, the 3 year old kissed her on the
cheek and said, “Goodnight, you doddery old cunt”.
Councillor
Marjory Barjory, of Canterbury council, said “There’s little we can do to stop
drivers swearing at each other during gridlock. I would advise drivers to close
their windows and resort to obscene hand gestures for now”.
“Or they
could get rid of the fucking loading bays where every bastard parks and causes
the fucking jam in the first place, the selfish cunts”, added Jemima.
