Growing
concerns over Food Giant moving to Whitstable
Fears were growing in town this week
amidst rumours of a food giant moving into the high street.
Speculation has been rife as to which
food giant is moving to the site of Cain’s amusement arcade, with some parents
worried that it might be the giant gingerbread man from Shrek 2.
“My children are terrified”, said Cathy
Winer of Joy Lane, “Ever since the local papers reported it, they’ve been
sleeping with my husband and I. They’re scared shitless”.
The bloke who runs Budgens across the road from Cain’s said, “My children are also terrified at the prospect of a
food giant moving across the road. My daughter’s convinced it will be the
marshmallow man from Ghostbusters. She still hides behind the sofa when he
comes on the TV”.
Worse still, some believe that
Whitstable may soon be invaded by the Jolly Green Giant from the sweetcorn ads,
or even the honey monster.
“I don’t think we need to worry too much
about the last two”, said local food giant historian Mark Taylor, “Technically,
they’re not made out of food. But I am a bit worried about the giant
gingerbread man, to be honest”.
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John Cleese
‘Disappointed’ at amount of
cheese available in Whitstable
Ex Monty
Python star John Cleese has told of his disappointment at being available to
find every cheese he asked for last week.
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| Some cheese, yesterday |
Cleese, whose real name is John Cheddar, told The Wind
Farm, “Well, I was, uh, sitting in the
Whitstable library on Oxford Street just then, skimming through Rogue Herrys by
Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all peckish. And I thought to myself, "a little
fermented curd will do the trick," so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites,
sallied forth, and infiltrated The Cheese Box to negotiate the vending of some
cheesy comestibles”.
But when he reached the harbour street
shop, he was soon disappointed – as owner Dawn Tucker told us, “Yes, he came in
and started asking for cheese and we had every one he wanted. Inlcuding Oxford
Isis and Stinky Bishop. He seemed quite frustrated at one point, but
thankfully, he didn’t shoot me like he shot Michael Palin!”.
Dave Brown of Dave’s Deli, also in
Harbour Street also met Cleese and told a similar story.
“Yes, he came in and started asking for
cheese and we had every one he wanted. Inlcuding Oxford Isis and Stinky Bishop.
He seemed quite frustrated at one point, but thankfully, he didn’t shoot me
like he shot Michael Palin!”.
Cleese, who recently reunited with the
Monty Python gang for a one off show at the 02 arena said, “They certainly know
their cheeses in Whitstable. And sadly, the local pet shop doesn’t sell
parrots, so that’s the fucking parrot sketch out the window as well".
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Apache attack
helicopters ‘Could solve
loading bay problem’ – council
Controversial plans to attack cars that park in loading bays
with Apache helicopters were announced by the council this week.
Cllr Marjory Barjory told a press conference this week, “It
will be easier and cheaper to blow the cars up with Apache helicopters than to
actually solve the problem that’s slowly choking our town to death”.
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| An Apache helicopter, yesterday |
Barjory also claims that the initiative will create new jobs.
“There will be vacancies for pilots and also we’ll need a
labour force to clear up the mess afterwards. Training will be available, no
experience will be necessary although a basic knowledge of firearms will be an
advantage”.
Hank Marvin, who had a hit with Apache when he was with The Shadows said, “I don’t think that
attacking illegally parked cars with Apache helicopters is a good idea. I have
my reservations about that. Ha! ‘Reservations’
– see what I did there?”
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...ere. Guess what. You know that
massive puddle outside the yacht club? It’s officially been classed as a
‘flood’. Yeah! A flood mate. Council measured it, and it’s three inches deep
and 30 feet long. 8 foot wide it is. They reckon that’s the minimum requirement
to upgrade from a puddle to a flood. Could get worse if it keeps raining. Four
inches deep by March they say. But here’s the worst part, right...yacht club
have put a plank across it and are calling it an official bridge. Yeah!
AND...they’re gonna start charging people to cross it! Three quid a time, they
reckon. Or a fiver for a couple. Reckon they’re gonna have some bloke operating
the bridge. A bridgekeeper, they say.
He’ll raise the plank like. Just so’s yacht club owners can walk their boats to
the sea. They reckon he can impersonate a foghorn as well. For when it’s foggy.
Health and safety, see? Yacht club are well within their rights, it’s their
land. Nothing you can do the stop them. Guess what, though? It’s not their
plank of wood! No...Bruce Williams reckoned they nicked it from his gallery
when he was refurbing it. Furious, he is. Wants a cut from the toll money. And
now guess what? That Greene bloke reckons that the land, the bridge AND the
money belongs to him. He claims he bought the beach from the queen in 1969.
Fiver he paid. It’s all gonna kick off, y’know. Worse than the Ukraine. That’s
what I heard...
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'That was my dad dressed as Big Foot' - Suggs.
Madness singer Suggs made an astonishing claim this week, claiming that the famous 'Big Foot' film was a fake - filmed by Suggs himself.
The cine camera film - which has become known as Big Footage - shows an eight foot tall hairy man walking away from the camera in a forest.
The film emerged in 1967, and was supposedly shot in a Californian national park. But Suggs - real name Graham Suggs - claims that he shot it in Clowes Woods during a family walk and it was simply his dad dressed in a gorilla outfit.
"I was 6 at the time, and my dad was a bit of a practical joker. It was all his idea. He'd bought a gorilla outfit from a junk shop and thought it would be a laugh to film a hoax of Bigfoot. I just think it's time to set the record straight and put this legend to rest".
Suggs also claims that the famous picture of the Loch Ness monster was his leg sticking out of the sea at Tankerton.
"My mum filmed that. She still lives in Tankerton. The reason the picture's blurry is because mum was laughing so much. They were happy days, them".
But perhaps his most outrageous claim of all is that the famous 'Alien' footage supposedly shot at Roswell airbase was actually his older brother dressed as an alien and filmed in the garden shed.
"Yep, that was us, too. We were a happy family at our house. In the middle of the street. The moon landings was us as well".
