The Wind Farm

Hotel Continental attracting giant moths from Norway.

Owner advised to use dimmer switches after invasion.

The manager of the Hotel Continental has been told to dim the lights at night after another giant moth crashed into it last Tuesday.

Robert Heffinton-Phillips, who has managed the popular hotel for a year told The Wind Farm, “It’s good advice, we simply cannot afford to replace the windows any more. These moths are massive”

According to Robert, the trouble began in July after the hotel, which is directly in line with Norway, installed new outside lighting, using sodium lights. Within hours, two huge moths had crashed into the building, causing the walls to crack.

“They were about the size of a Reliant Robin”, said Robert, “We had to close the bar for the evening.  Some of the customers were terrified”.

The moths, which can fly at speeds of up to 100mph, all died on impact and were immediately sent to the natural history museum for inspection.

A reliant Robin, yesterday.

“They’re an extremely rare breed, and live mainly around the fjords”, said naturologist Dr Hans Gruber, “The sooner the Hotel Continental changes their lights, the better. We simply don’t have the room for them any more”.

New lights are being installed at the time of writing, as Heffington-Phillips explained, “New lights are being installed. They are dimmer, with enough light to illuminate the seats outside, but not bright enough to attract giant moths from Norway”

One moth told The Wind Farm, “We certainly don’t go there for the beer, that's for sure".

Whitstable sculpture ‘optimistic’ about statue of liberty statue.

A local artist has told The Wind Farm of her optimism that her statue of liberty will be bought by Canterbury council – for £200,000.

The statue, measuring roughly 18 inches tall and resting on an upturned washing up bowl, was submitted the council by sculptor Dyan Napoc.

“I believe that my work is as good as the one they have in New York and represents Whitstable because we have a lot of cats in town”.

Cllr Marjory Barjory of Canterbury Council said, “It’s an interesting piece of work, for sure. But we could find other ways of wasting two hundred grand quite easily. Like putting speakers in Keam’s yard car park, for instance”.

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Jesus's ringpiece appears on pub table

Drinkers at a popular pub in Whitstable were in for a shock at the weekend after Jesus’s ringpiece appeared in front of them.

Is this Jesus's  ringpiece?

Drinkers claim that the anal apparition appeared on a table around about the time Jesus was said to have emerged from his cave on Easter Sunday.

“It wasn’t there one moment”, said pub regular Rob Morris, “And then it was. It’s a miracle, for sure”.

Other regulars claim that the ringpiece has healing powers.

“I only went in the pub for one pint”, said Gary Lewes, “And after seeing my saviour’s bumhole on the table, I drank another eight. I certainly felt better after  that”.

The landlord, who asked The Wind Farm not to identify the pub for fear of being overrun by Christian’s who don’t drink, said “I’ll have to get some wood filler before it starts weeping. Stigmata is all very well when a statue has blood coming from its hands, but I don’t want Christ’s crack weeping in my pub, thank you very much”.

The Wind Farm spoke to keen carpenter and Hollywood star Harrison Ford, who almost met Jesus in Raiders OF The Lost Ark, what he thought.

“I suspect it’s just a crack in the wood, but not necessarily a bum crack. Or it could be a knot. I tend to work with pine rather than oak, to be honest”, he said.

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The Wind Farm spoke to Robert Powell (Left), who played Jesus in Jesus Of Nazareth, if he thought the apparition was indeed our saviour’s arse.

“It’s difficult to tell”, he said, “I’m guessing that they all look the same at the end of the day, regardless of who they belong to. It does look a bit like mine, I must say. So yes, it probably could be Jesus’s bum hole”.

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Counterpoint - with Col M. Farquar - Ladygarden (Retd)

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Multi-Storey Car Park Fiasco In Town

Plans to alleviate the parking problem in Whitstable were thrown into disarray this week after a works order typo.

Council contracted builders were scheduled to build a car park on waste ground behind Greene’s tile emporium, but a typo meant that the works order was for a multi-storey Cat park.

“It’s an easy mistake to make”, said Helene Phillips, the secretary responsible, “The letter ‘R’ is right next to the ‘T’ on a standard keyboard. Anyone could have done it”, she said from the job centre where she is now looking for a new job.

Work went ahead and the new cat park was completed, as site manager Neil Griffiths explained.

“It has five storeys with lots of scratching posts, dangling balls of catnip and little balls with bells in for the cats to play with”.

The cat park also has several water bowls and large paddling pool filled with dried food so the cats can eat.

“At least it will keep the stray cats off the streets”, said Griffiths, “Not that cars travelling through Whitstable ever drive fast enough to do any damage to a cat, should they hit one”.