Local man wins right to call Squeeze 'A pile of shit'

Judge dismisses drunken slur claim after listening to Babylon And On.

A local man has won a court ruling which allows him to slag off pop band Squeeze.

Norman Forman, of Walmer Road, is alleged to have called Glen Tilbrook 'A poor man's Paul McCartney' when he performed his solo show in Whitstable recently, following it up with 'Squeeze were a pile of shit'.

Squeeze "Downgraded'

Tilbrook immediately cancelled the rest of his tour, and launched a lawsuit against Forman for emotional distress, slander and loss of earnings.

But the presiding judge Justice Ken Holloway overturned his claim and awarded Forman damages of £20,000 after listening to Babylon And On, arguably Squeeze's shittiest album (according to Forman).

Summing up, Justice Holloway said, "I've no doubt that Forman was drunk when he attacked Tilbrook, but you'd have to be pissed to even think about going to see any member of Squeeze perform live. Including Jools Holland".

"Having listened to both arguments, as well as Squeeze themselves, I have awarded damages to Forman, and for the record, would like to upgrade the insult from 'A pile of shit' to 'Absolutely fucking dreadful'.

Leaving court, Tilbrook told The Wind Farm, "This is a bad day for Squeeze.".

Alan Rickman told to leave Whitstable amid terrorist fears.

Rickman told, "We don't want any trouble this Christmas".

Die Hard villain Alan Rickman has been told by Whitstable police to stay away from town amid fears that he may try and take over a building and hold shoppers hostage.

Rickman, who once ordered the cancelling of Christmas during his role of The Sheriff of Nottingham in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, was spotted in Harbour Books last Saturday and a cautious customer immediately called the police.

"I recognised him immediately", said Victoria Street of Albert Street, "And I knew it was Hans Gruber. I called the police immediately".

Sgt Harold Par Boil of Whitstable police said, "It's worth remembering that we never actually saw Hans Gruber die at the end of Die Hard. We saw him fall from the Nakatomi building, but he could have landed on something soft like an old mattress for all we know".

Rickman was immediately frisked and held at Whitstable police station for 48 hours, under the prevention of terrorism act. After two days of interrogation, Rickman was freed with a caution and told to leave Whitstable.

Artist Bruce Williams: 'A bit scared'

"We don't want this sort of person causing trouble in Whitstable", said Par Boil, "He could easily have taken over that block of flats in Belmont Road. Him and all his mates".

Rickman's removal came as a relief to local gallery owner and artist Bruce Williams, who said, "I was a bit scared, to be honest. Take the 'iam' out of my name, and you're left with 'Willis', and we all know how those two don't get along".

Rickman's agent said, "Alan has no plans to return to Whitstable. Or Nottingham".

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A new adventure with....

Counterpoint  -  With Col M Farquar - Ladygarden (Retd)

And finally...

The homeless mouse that was mentioned in Pink Floyd's 'Bike' song has died at a celebrity mouse retirement home in Whitstable.

'Gerald', as he was referred to, died after a brief illness. He was 42. 

Speaking from a skirting board in The Pearson's where the mice live, mouse Hans Cruyff, who was the mouse who went clip clippity clop up the stairs in Ronnie Hilton's Windmill In Old Amsterdam told The Wind Farm, "He'll be missed, for sure. For years, he didn't have a house, as mentioned in Pink Floyd's song, but he was always happy here".

Keam’s Yard car park to play theme to The Magic Roundabout to drivers.

Council erect speakers to make motorist’s suffering more bearable.

Canterbury Council are to spend £200,000 on installing a new PA system in Keam’s Yard car park.

The move, which has been welcomed by motorists, aims to make the eternal task of finding a parking space in the car park a more ‘pleasurable’ experience. Motorists have been known to spend on average a total of two hours driving round and round in circles in the vain hope of finding a parking space.

Speaking from the department for impossible car parks, Cllr Marjory Barjory told us, “The fact is, there are only 60 parking spaces, but an average of 700 drivers an hour  pour into it and spend the next hour driving round and round in circles. We aim to make their circuit more bearable”.

The Magic Roundabout, yesterday

Stan Getzandgilberto, a motorist from Thetford, said “This is great news. I got caught up in Keam’s yard car park recently, and ran out of fuel driving round and round in circles”.

Another motorist, Graham Parker, said, “I visited Whitstable, and by the time I’d found somewhere to park, my insurance had run out as I’d been driving round and round in circles for three months. If only I had the theme to the Magic Roundabout to listen to, I may not have eaten my passengers”, he told us from prison.

The Magic Roundabout theme, which was written by Rick Wakeman, will blast out from the speakers during peak weekend hours, and will be activated by a solar panel which kicks in the second the sun comes out.

“I hope it makes their visit more memorable, when they’re crawling along at a snail’s pace” said Barjory, “Driving round and round in circles for hours can be fun, if you have the right music to listen to”.

She added, “We are also looking at adding Florence And The Machine to the playlist. And Bob Dylan”.

Homeless man freed from beach barbecue bin.

“I thought I would die”, said voracious vagrant.

Emergency services were called to Whitstable beach last Saturday after a tramp became wedged inside a barbecue bin.

The metal bin, outside the Waterfront Bar, had become a home to vagrant Harry Keaton after discovering it was a free source of hot food. Beach barbecuers tip any leftover into the bins, and the council empty it on a Monday morning.

But when council workers arrived last Monday, they are said to have heard muffled cries for help, as well as farting from inside.

“We couldn’t open the bin, as it had become warped by the tramps expanding waistline” said council bin emptier Albert Smith, “So we called emergency services and the fire brigade had to cut the poor man out. He still had a half masticated burger in his mouth”.

Keaton, now living under an upturned boat on west beach, said “Some of the sausages weren’t cooked throughout. Never be fooled by a cooked outer skin, and always cut one open to see if it’s cooked throughout before serving. The same applies for chicken legs, which shouldn’t show any signs of pinkness, however faint”.

Sgt Harold Par Boil, of Whitstable police said, “We would like to discourage vagrants from hiding in bins in order to dine for free. In fact, we’d like to discourage them in every way possible. It’s Oyster Fesitval weekend this week, and we don’t want DFLs thinking this is Herne Bay or Sittingbourne, do we?”.

Katie Hopkins on the homeless living in bins.

Hopkins - 'Mercedes'

We asked The Apprentice failure and all round horse faced fucking gobshite Nazi cunt puffin Katie Hopkins what she thinks of homeless bin dwelling vagrants.

“As long as the bin was made in a British factory, by someone with a traditional name like Arthur or Harold, I’d have no problem with it. Similarly, I’d expect the vagrant to have a name similar to the aforementioned. Tramps shouldn’t be called Brooklyn or Chardonnay or Mercedes. No, definitely not. If the tramp was called something like that, I wouldn’t bother freeing them, I’d stick a flame thrower in the slot and incinerate them.  As long as the flame thrower was made by someone with a classy name”.

'Counterpoint' - with Col M. Farquar - Ladygarden (Retd)

World War 2 Bomb ‘Unlikely to date from Roman Times’.

An unexploded world war two bomb is at the centre of a bitter dispute between a local metal detectorist, and a university historian.

Doug Upp, a metal detectorist from Walmer Road, claims that the bomb dates back to Roman times, and could therefore be worth thousands, if not millions.

But university of West Tankerton historian Prof Harold Walton has dismissed this claim, saying it’s worthless and Upp should hand it over to the police before it explodes.

Upp, 67, has been holed up in his home since the dispute began, and is refusing to hand the bomb over until it gets valued at a ‘more realistic price than mere scrap’.

A Bomb (Not in Wardour Street)

He claims it dates back to Roman times because it has “Bekommen ein fein label , Liebe die Luftwaffe” written on the side which he claims is Latin for “This bomb is from Roman times and is worth thousands”.

“It actually stands for ‘Have a nice day, love the Luftwaffe’...,” said Walton, “The Germans aren’t historically renowned for their sense of humour. They were obviously in a good mood that day, having captured France or something”.

Speaking from a nearby church hall, that has become home to Walmer Road residents whilst negotiating teams deal with Upp, neighbour Tom Finch said, “This is not the first time Upp has done this. Last year, he found a 10p piece on the beach and insisted it was a pendant worn by the queen because it had her picture on it. He really is a fucking pain in the arse”.

Sgt Harold Par Boil, of Whitstable police, said, “Negotiations are on-going with Mr Upp, and I think we’ll just have to give him a false verification certificate from the national trust, and a case full of money to tempt him out. Then we’ll give him a good slap and get him put in St Martin’s hospital, where he clearly belongs”.

...’Ere. Prince Charles and Camilla, right? In the harbour. Eating Oysters and banging drums...guess what? It wasn’t them!  Yeah! Couple of actors! Mate of mine works at Buckingham Palace and he reckons they were there all day, and not in Whitstable. Know why? Camilla doesn’t like sea air, turns her a funny colour they reckon. And Charles doesn’t like oysters anyway. Had one once and was on the throne for three days – not the throne obviously. Sat on the bog. Went through about fifty loo rolls, they reckon. You know where they get their bog roll from, don’tcha? Harrods! Yeah, ironic eh? Anyway, so the Queen contacts some lookalike agency and she asks for a Charles and Camilla lookalike and they send these two actors round to the palace and get them suited and booted. Couple of rehearsal walks around the palace gardens and they’re off. Got paid a few grand each and a bit extra for hush-hush money. But there were tell-tale mistakes in their performance that gave ‘em away. Camilla, right?  She NEVER looks people in the eye, and doesn’t like shaking hands with children. Reminds her of dwarfs and she hates dwarfs. Look at the pictures in the Whitstable papers. Shaking hands with kids, and at one point she even holds a baby and kisses it. What a giveaway! And also, Charles doesn’t like drumming. Hates it. So why would he appear to be banging one anyway? And I’ll tell you something else an’ all. Those oysters, right? Guess what? They weren’t oysters at all. They were pretend oysters. Sweets, they were. Everyone knew they were sweets, got ‘em from sugar boy they did. Everyone was told to keep quiet about it at the harbour, paid ‘em a bit of hush money as well. You listen to the recording of when ‘Charles’ says “The things I do for Whitstable” after chugging down an oyster. Don’t sound nothing like him. Sounds like Lee Evans, It wasn’t Lee Evans but it sounded like him. Couple of actors, I tell ya. Whitstable couldn’t afford the real thing anyway. Royals charge way too much, you know that? And that Bentley they pulled up in? Wasn’t a Bentley at all. Bentley body on the outside, Smart Car on the inside. That’s what I heard....