The Wind Farm

Local man wins right to call Squeeze 'A pile of shit'

Judge dismisses drunken slur claim after listening to Babylon And On.

A local man has won a court ruling which allows him to slag off pop band Squeeze.

Norman Forman, of Walmer Road, is alleged to have called Glen Tilbrook 'A poor man's Paul McCartney' when he performed his solo show in Whitstable recently, following it up with 'Squeeze were a pile of shit'.

Squeeze "Downgraded'

Tilbrook immediately cancelled the rest of his tour, and launched a lawsuit against Forman for emotional distress, slander and loss of earnings.

But the presiding judge Justice Ken Holloway overturned his claim and awarded Forman damages of £20,000 after listening to Babylon And On, arguably Squeeze's shittiest album (according to Forman).

Summing up, Justice Holloway said, "I've no doubt that Forman was drunk when he attacked Tilbrook, but you'd have to be pissed to even think about going to see any member of Squeeze perform live. Including Jools Holland".

"Having listened to both arguments, as well as Squeeze themselves, I have awarded damages to Forman, and for the record, would like to upgrade the insult from 'A pile of shit' to 'Absolutely fucking dreadful'.

Leaving court, Tilbrook told The Wind Farm, "This is a bad day for Squeeze.".

Alan Rickman told to leave Whitstable amid terrorist fears.

Rickman told, "We don't want any trouble this Christmas".

Die Hard villain Alan Rickman has been told by Whitstable police to stay away from town amid fears that he may try and take over a building and hold shoppers hostage.

Rickman, who once ordered the cancelling of Christmas during his role of The Sheriff of Nottingham in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, was spotted in Harbour Books last Saturday and a cautious customer immediately called the police.

"I recognised him immediately", said Victoria Street of Albert Street, "And I knew it was Hans Gruber. I called the police immediately".

Sgt Harold Par Boil of Whitstable police said, "It's worth remembering that we never actually saw Hans Gruber die at the end of Die Hard. We saw him fall from the Nakatomi building, but he could have landed on something soft like an old mattress for all we know".

Rickman was immediately frisked and held at Whitstable police station for 48 hours, under the prevention of terrorism act. After two days of interrogation, Rickman was freed with a caution and told to leave Whitstable.

Artist Bruce Williams: 'A bit scared'

"We don't want this sort of person causing trouble in Whitstable", said Par Boil, "He could easily have taken over that block of flats in Belmont Road. Him and all his mates".

Rickman's removal came as a relief to local gallery owner and artist Bruce Williams, who said, "I was a bit scared, to be honest. Take the 'iam' out of my name, and you're left with 'Willis', and we all know how those two don't get along".

Rickman's agent said, "Alan has no plans to return to Whitstable. Or Nottingham".

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A new adventure with....

Counterpoint  -  With Col M Farquar - Ladygarden (Retd)

And finally...

The homeless mouse that was mentioned in Pink Floyd's 'Bike' song has died at a celebrity mouse retirement home in Whitstable.

'Gerald', as he was referred to, died after a brief illness. He was 42. 

Speaking from a skirting board in The Pearson's where the mice live, mouse Hans Cruyff, who was the mouse who went clip clippity clop up the stairs in Ronnie Hilton's Windmill In Old Amsterdam told The Wind Farm, "He'll be missed, for sure. For years, he didn't have a house, as mentioned in Pink Floyd's song, but he was always happy here".