Extracts from The Wind Farm Summer Collection 2015...


Second man dies attempting to write cucumber joke.

Police are warning members of the public not to invent jokes about cucumbers after a local man died attempting it.

James Hoskins of Walmer Road, was found dead at his home by a neighbour who was concerned that he hadn’t been seen for a few days. Jan Collier called the police and when Sgt Harold Par Boil arrived at his bungalow, they were met with ‘a sight of unimaginable horror’.

“I can confirm that a 56 year old man was found dead at his Whitstable home and forensic tests have confirmed that he was in the process of writing a joke about a cucumber. This follows the death of Harry Sword of Seasalter, who also passed away whilst attempting a cucumber related gag”.

A cucumber yesterday; "Dangerous"

Joke expert and cucumber fan Nick Wilton said, “Jokes about cucumbers are  difficult and dangerous to write, and are best avoided altogether.  Their shape lends itself to obvious penis jokes, but at the end of the day they are extremely dangerous vegetables”.

“More people are killed by cucumber jokes each year than shark attacks and plane crashes”, he continued.

Sgt Par Boil issued a statement, saying “If you know of anyone who may be attempting to write a joke about a cucumber, please call Whitstable police station immediately. All calls are in complete confidence and there may be a small reward involved if your information leads to the prevention of a cucumber joke”.

The Top Five Cucumber Jokes - From the Kew (cumber) archive centre in London.

1: What is a Grizzly Bear’s favourite vegetable?  - A Cucum-bear

2: What do you call a cucumber that has been peeled of its skin?  -  A Cucum-bare.

3: What is a cucumber’s favourite actor? – Benedict Cucumber -batch

4: What do you call a line of Cucumbers? – A Queue - cumber

5: What is a cucumber’s favourite Scottish border town? – Cu – Cumbernauld.

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Local History Books To Include ‘BC’ (Before Cushing) After Dates.

Local historians are being asked to find out when exactly Peter Cushing moved to Whitstable so that history books can be amended to include ‘BC’.

Cllr Marjory Barjory proposed the initiative after discovering that no-one knew exactly when the screen legend and pub namesake moved to town.

“Yes, it’s a bit of a mystery”, said the 56 year old Lib-Dem councillor, “Everyone knows when he died and where he used to drink his tea, but no-one can remember when he moved here”.

Cushing is still seen as a historical figure in town and a collage of all things connected to the town is rarely seen without his face on it.

“I think it would be a nice tribute to refer to, say, the 1953 floods as happening in 1953 BC. Or the first passenger train service between Canterbury and Whitstable open in 1830 BC”.

Even Dead Horse Morris man and local historian Mark Lawson was unable to provide an answer.

“I think he moved here after the reign of Charles I, and before the discovery of the crab apple”.

If YOU know when Peter Cushing moved to Whitstable, contact majorybarjory@Canterbury.gov.uk

Lorry collision sends Borstal hill roundabout 

into orbit.

NASA are attempting to land a probe on Borstal hill roundabout after a collision with a lorry sent it into space.

The roundabout, which is the one that car visitors turn left at to get to Whitstable, has been floating in space ever since the collision and NASA are now going to attempt to find a way to bring it back to earth.

“It’s cheaper to launch a space probe to land on it and explore ways of bringing it back to earth than it is for Canterbury council to actually build a new one. Especially if this involves SERCO contractors working on Sundays and bank holiday Mondays”, said Buck Buckman, a NASA spokesperson.

Plans to destroy it with a nuclear bomb personally delivered by Ben Affleck and Bruce Williams were abandoned after the national trust deemed it an ‘Historically valuable roundabout’ and slapped a preservation order on it.

“This is, after all, the only roundabout in the world that takes people to Whitstable and Canterbury, both of which are famous for stuff like Peter Cushing and Thomas Beckett”, said local roundabout historian Mark Webb, “And Tommy Cooper once used it when he visited Whitstable in 1968. Its historical value is underestimatable”.

The rounabaout (arrowed). Pic courtesy of NASA.

Speaking from NASA control, Pasadena, scientist Jack Denver said, “Our plan is to land on the roundabout and install boosters that would fire it back into earth’s atmosphere, and then deploy parachutes to land it safely. We expect a few of the plants to perish on its way in, but the sign advertising the Premier Inn should remain intact”.

NASA are hoping to replicate the 1979 Russian roundabout mission, which saw a Moscow roundabout bought relatively safely back to earth after a Lada collided with it, sending it into orbit also.

“They did manage to bring the roundabout back to earth”, said Buckman, “Albeit a few hundred miles off course, where it landed on a farm and wiped out a herd of cattle. But still”.

Borstal Hill resident Guy Thomas said, “I hope it’s a successful mission. We miss that roundabout very much”.

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Chris Coates still missing inside Whitstable 

playhouse leaflet

Friend's vigil after singer disappears in 6 page labyrinth

A popular singer and occasional theatre director has disappeared inside a notoriously difficult to fold leaflet and a desperate rescue attempt is now underway to free him.

Chris Coates, singer with Kit Curtis and the B3’s, is said to have become entangled with the Whitstable Playhouse theatre leaflet after trying to fold it back into its original shape, as heartbroken wife Nicki Coates told The Wind Farm.

“We were watching Masterchef one night when Chris picked up the leaflet to see what was going on at the theatre”, she said, “I popped out to the kitchen to make some tea, and when I came back, he had disappeared”.

After frantically searching their Albert Street home, Nicki finally realised the awful truth – her husband had become to victim to the notorious leaflet, which has so far claimed the lives of three people and hospitalised a dozen others.

“I warned him time and again not to try to refold the leaflet alone”, she sniffed, “But he wouldn’t listen. I miss him terribly”.

But hopes rose last week when Chris’s muffled cries were heard coming from inside the leaflet, prompting family and friends to join the mission to free him.

“I was going to bed one night, and had just said goodnight to the leaflet when I heard Chris’s voice crying out Niiiiiicki!...It was then that I realised that he was alive and well, so I called in friends to help coax him out”.

Nerd.

Within minutes, close friends including Miles Cookman and Phil Priston arrived at their home and started to communicating with the leaflet.

Cookman, Waller and Priston, yesterday.

“I asked if he was OK, and if he needed any food or water, but he said he was alright for now but could murder a pint of Hophead”, said Priston.

So, Priston and Cookman took the leaflet down The Black Dog micro pub, where friends joined them in an effort to free Coates – and early indications have been positive.

“I told Chris that there was a pint of Hophead waiting for him if he could find his way out, and that seemed to do the trick”, said Cookman, 41, “He said that he’d been stuck between page 3 and 4 of the leaflet, advertising the Snow White panto, but was now making his way to page 5, where the advert for the Elvis concert is. We’re all optimistic that he’ll be home soon”

Cookman’s optimism was echoed by Nicki, who said, “I am sure that he’ll be home by Christmas, although I’m surprised that a pint of Hophead couldn’t tempt him out a bit quicker. I’m not surprised, however, that Cookman drank the pint when no-one was looking”.

That short woman with the funny voice who played the psychic in Poltergeist also visited the pub and said, “I sense that Chris is safe.  Just as long as he stays away from the light”.

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Picture courtesy of Chris Coates (Before he disappeared).

“I am Alan Sugar’s finger”

A local actor has claimed that his finger is the one that Alan Sugar apparently points when firing contestants on the apprentice.

Simon Cadfiel, of Walmer Road, claims that the show’s producers auditioned his and other actor’s fingers after Lord Sugar’s was deemed to be ‘Too short, stumpy and unphotogenic’. An acting agency was contacted to find a suitable ‘stuntfinger’ – and Cadfiel’s was finally chosen.

“Think about it”, said Cadfiel, “You never actually see Lord Sugar and his finger in the same shot. The camera points at his face, then it cuts to his – well, my – finger. Clever editing, see?”

Cadfiel's "Stunt Finger", yesterday.

Cadfiel decided to reveal himself as Sugar’s stuntfinger after the BBC refused to pay his finger royalties, and claims to have only been paid the standard fee of £75 for a day’s filming.

“I am owed £80 every time they use footage of my finger, that’s the standard royalty. Like that drummer that played the ‘Doon-doon-doon-doo-doo-do-do-do-do’ at the start of Eastenders. Every time they play that, £80 goes straight into his account. And he now lives in a fucking castle”.

A BBC spokesperson said, “We will investigate Cadfiel’s claim once we’ve dealt with that clown that used to be on the test card picture. He’s still trying to sue us so he can afford to buy some arms”.

Hotel Continental attracting giant moths from Norway.

Owner advised to use dimmer switches after invasion.

The manager of the Hotel Continental has been told to dim the lights at night after another giant moth crashed into it last Tuesday.

Robert Heffinton-Phillips, who has managed the popular hotel for a year told The Wind Farm, “It’s good advice, we simply cannot afford to replace the windows any more. These moths are massive”

According to Robert, the trouble began in July after the hotel, which is directly in line with Norway, installed new outside lighting, using sodium lights. Within hours, two huge moths had crashed into the building, causing the walls to crack.

“They were about the size of a Reliant Robin”, said Robert, “We had to close the bar for the evening.  Some of the customers were terrified”.

The moths, which can fly at speeds of up to 100mph, all died on impact and were immediately sent to the natural history museum for inspection.

A reliant Robin, yesterday.

“They’re an extremely rare breed, and live mainly around the fjords”, said naturologist Dr Hans Gruber, “The sooner the Hotel Continental changes their lights, the better. We simply don’t have the room for them any more”.

New lights are being installed at the time of writing, as Heffington-Phillips explained, “New lights are being installed. They are dimmer, with enough light to illuminate the seats outside, but not bright enough to attract giant moths from Norway”

One moth told The Wind Farm, “We certainly don’t go there for the beer, that's for sure".

Whitstable sculpture ‘optimistic’ about statue of liberty statue.

A local artist has told The Wind Farm of her optimism that her statue of liberty will be bought by Canterbury council – for £200,000.

The statue, measuring roughly 18 inches tall and resting on an upturned washing up bowl, was submitted the council by sculptor Dyan Napoc.

“I believe that my work is as good as the one they have in New York and represents Whitstable because we have a lot of cats in town”.

Cllr Marjory Barjory of Canterbury Council said, “It’s an interesting piece of work, for sure. But we could find other ways of wasting two hundred grand quite easily. Like putting speakers in Keam’s yard car park, for instance”.

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Jesus's ringpiece appears on pub table

Drinkers at a popular pub in Whitstable were in for a shock at the weekend after Jesus’s ringpiece appeared in front of them.

Is this Jesus's  ringpiece?

Drinkers claim that the anal apparition appeared on a table around about the time Jesus was said to have emerged from his cave on Easter Sunday.

“It wasn’t there one moment”, said pub regular Rob Morris, “And then it was. It’s a miracle, for sure”.

Other regulars claim that the ringpiece has healing powers.

“I only went in the pub for one pint”, said Gary Lewes, “And after seeing my saviour’s bumhole on the table, I drank another eight. I certainly felt better after  that”.

The landlord, who asked The Wind Farm not to identify the pub for fear of being overrun by Christian’s who don’t drink, said “I’ll have to get some wood filler before it starts weeping. Stigmata is all very well when a statue has blood coming from its hands, but I don’t want Christ’s crack weeping in my pub, thank you very much”.

The Wind Farm spoke to keen carpenter and Hollywood star Harrison Ford, who almost met Jesus in Raiders OF The Lost Ark, what he thought.

“I suspect it’s just a crack in the wood, but not necessarily a bum crack. Or it could be a knot. I tend to work with pine rather than oak, to be honest”, he said.

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The Wind Farm spoke to Robert Powell (Left), who played Jesus in Jesus Of Nazareth, if he thought the apparition was indeed our saviour’s arse.

“It’s difficult to tell”, he said, “I’m guessing that they all look the same at the end of the day, regardless of who they belong to. It does look a bit like mine, I must say. So yes, it probably could be Jesus’s bum hole”.

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Counterpoint - with Col M. Farquar - Ladygarden (Retd)

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Multi-Storey Car Park Fiasco In Town

Plans to alleviate the parking problem in Whitstable were thrown into disarray this week after a works order typo.

Council contracted builders were scheduled to build a car park on waste ground behind Greene’s tile emporium, but a typo meant that the works order was for a multi-storey Cat park.

“It’s an easy mistake to make”, said Helene Phillips, the secretary responsible, “The letter ‘R’ is right next to the ‘T’ on a standard keyboard. Anyone could have done it”, she said from the job centre where she is now looking for a new job.

Work went ahead and the new cat park was completed, as site manager Neil Griffiths explained.

“It has five storeys with lots of scratching posts, dangling balls of catnip and little balls with bells in for the cats to play with”.

The cat park also has several water bowls and large paddling pool filled with dried food so the cats can eat.

“At least it will keep the stray cats off the streets”, said Griffiths, “Not that cars travelling through Whitstable ever drive fast enough to do any damage to a cat, should they hit one”.

Growing concerns over Food Giant moving to Whitstable

Fears were growing in town this week amidst rumours of a food giant moving into the high street.

Speculation has been rife as to which food giant is moving to the site of Cain’s amusement arcade, with some parents worried that it might be the giant gingerbread man from Shrek 2.

“My children are terrified”, said Cathy Winer of Joy Lane, “Ever since the local papers reported it, they’ve been sleeping with my husband and I. They’re scared shitless”.

The bloke who runs Budgens across the road from Cain’s said, “My children are also terrified at the prospect of a food giant moving across the road. My daughter’s convinced it will be the marshmallow man from Ghostbusters. She still hides behind the sofa when he comes on the TV”.

Worse still, some believe that Whitstable may soon be invaded by the Jolly Green Giant from the sweetcorn ads, or even the honey monster.

“I don’t think we need to worry too much about the last two”, said local food giant historian Mark Taylor, “Technically, they’re not made out of food. But I am a bit worried about the giant gingerbread man, to be honest”.

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John Cleese ‘Disappointed’ at amount of 

cheese available in Whitstable

Ex Monty Python star John Cleese has told of his disappointment at being available to find every cheese he asked for last week.

Some cheese, yesterday

Cleese, whose real name is John Cheddar, told The Wind Farm, “Well, I was, uh, sitting in the Whitstable library on Oxford Street just then, skimming through Rogue Herrys by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all peckish.  And I thought to myself, "a little fermented curd will do the trick," so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated The Cheese Box to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles”.

But when he reached the harbour street shop, he was soon disappointed – as owner Dawn Tucker told us, “Yes, he came in and started asking for cheese and we had every one he wanted. Inlcuding Oxford Isis and Stinky Bishop. He seemed quite frustrated at one point, but thankfully, he didn’t shoot me like he shot Michael Palin!”.

Dave Brown of Dave’s Deli, also in Harbour Street also met Cleese and told a similar story.

“Yes, he came in and started asking for cheese and we had every one he wanted. Inlcuding Oxford Isis and Stinky Bishop. He seemed quite frustrated at one point, but thankfully, he didn’t shoot me like he shot Michael Palin!”.

Cleese, who recently reunited with the Monty Python gang for a one off show at the 02 arena said, “They certainly know their cheeses in Whitstable. And sadly, the local pet shop doesn’t sell parrots, so that’s the fucking parrot sketch out the window as well".

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Apache attack helicopters ‘Could solve

 loading bay problem’ – council

Controversial plans to attack cars that park in loading bays with Apache helicopters were announced by the council this week.

Cllr Marjory Barjory told a press conference this week, “It will be easier and cheaper to blow the cars up with Apache helicopters than to actually solve the problem that’s slowly choking our town to death”.

An Apache helicopter, yesterday

“It will cost millions to turn the high street into a one way system, and Apache helicopters are ten a penny in Russia. The mafia will sell you one for a couple of grand. No questions asked”, she added.

Barjory also claims that the initiative will create new jobs.

“There will be vacancies for pilots and also we’ll need a labour force to clear up the mess afterwards. Training will be available, no experience will be necessary although a basic knowledge of firearms will be an advantage”.

Hank Marvin, who had a hit with Apache when he was with The Shadows said, “I don’t think that attacking illegally parked cars with Apache helicopters is a good idea. I have my reservations about that. Ha! ‘Reservations’ – see what I did there?”

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

...ere. Guess what. You know that massive puddle outside the yacht club? It’s officially been classed as a ‘flood’. Yeah! A flood mate. Council measured it, and it’s three inches deep and 30 feet long. 8 foot wide it is. They reckon that’s the minimum requirement to upgrade from a puddle to a flood. Could get worse if it keeps raining. Four inches deep by March they say. But here’s the worst part, right...yacht club have put a plank across it and are calling it an official bridge. Yeah! AND...they’re gonna start charging people to cross it! Three quid a time, they reckon. Or a fiver for a couple. Reckon they’re gonna have some bloke operating the bridge.  A bridgekeeper, they say. He’ll raise the plank like. Just so’s yacht club owners can walk their boats to the sea. They reckon he can impersonate a foghorn as well. For when it’s foggy. Health and safety, see? Yacht club are well within their rights, it’s their land. Nothing you can do the stop them. Guess what, though? It’s not their plank of wood! No...Bruce Williams reckoned they nicked it from his gallery when he was refurbing it. Furious, he is. Wants a cut from the toll money. And now guess what? That Greene bloke reckons that the land, the bridge AND the money belongs to him. He claims he bought the beach from the queen in 1969. Fiver he paid. It’s all gonna kick off, y’know. Worse than the Ukraine. That’s what I heard...

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'That was my dad dressed as Big Foot' - Suggs.

Madness singer Suggs made an astonishing claim this week, claiming that the famous 'Big Foot' film was a fake - filmed by Suggs himself.

The cine camera film - which has become known as Big Footage - shows an eight foot tall hairy man walking away from the camera in a forest.

The film emerged in 1967, and was supposedly shot in a Californian national park. But Suggs - real name Graham Suggs - claims that he shot it in Clowes Woods during a family walk and it was simply his dad dressed in a gorilla outfit.

"I was 6 at the time, and my dad was a bit of a practical joker. It was all his idea. He'd bought a gorilla outfit from a junk shop and thought it would be a laugh to film a hoax of Bigfoot. I just think it's time to set the record straight and put this legend to rest".

Suggs also claims that the famous picture of the Loch Ness monster was his leg sticking out of the sea at Tankerton.

"My mum filmed that. She still lives in Tankerton. The reason the picture's blurry is because mum was laughing so much. They were happy days, them".

But perhaps his most outrageous claim of all is that the famous 'Alien' footage supposedly shot at Roswell airbase was actually his older brother dressed as an alien and filmed in the garden shed.

"Yep, that was us, too. We were a happy family at our house. In the middle of the street. The moon landings was us as well".

Hundreds of booky arseholes expected at Whitstable literary festival

Whitstable is bracing itself for in influx of arseholes banging on about how good poetry and books are.

Whitstable’s first ever literary festival begins in May and is expected to attract a whole bunch of whining, corduroy jacket wearing book fans to sit and listen whilst some writer that no-one’s ever really heard of tries desperately to flog his or her new book.

The same people are expected to listen to poetry recitals and the occasional Haiku about fracking.

Bookworm Jim Nopades said, “I sit on my arse all day reading books and stuff. It’ll be great to have someone actually read it for me. But I won’t be wearing corduroy”.

Locals react to news of the May Literary Festival

Local pubs are ordering in extra wine, along with the smaller 125ml glasses favoured by the type of whiney ponce that the festival is set to attract, as Pearson’s barman Alex Crawford explained, “Yes, they normally sit in groups of four and share one fucking bottle of wine for an hour. They just sit there and read books. The only people who will benefit from this festival are the ones who make those little leather elbow pads for their horrible fucking jackets. We hate them, we do. HATE them”.

Organiser Orson Fitch said, “It’s a very exciting festival, with lots of bookworms talking about...actually...tell you the truth. It’ll be fucking boring and people will be begging for it to be over quickly. What was I even thinking?”

Wetherspoons pub flood ‘Kind of Peter Cushing’s fault’ – Cllr Gibley.

Indirect association with ‘Nooftah writer’ to blame.

A flood which closed down Wethersppons pub yesterday has been blamed on Peter Cushing by local councillor John Gibley.

The Peter Cushing pub was still closed today as management and staff tried to clear up the mess left behind after the upstairs toilets flooded – sending water and effluent cascading into the pub.

“It was shocking”, said local chav regular Kevin Burberry, “I was tucking into my steak and chips and Guinness for £1.90 and when the ceiling caved in and gave me a proper soaking”.

The pub was immediately closed and engineers were sent to the pub to investigate the source of the upstairs flood.

It is believed that a blocked drainage pipe caused waste water to back up and come back out through the toilets. It had been gathering in a pool between the toilet floor and pub ceiling for days when it finally burst.

The empty pub yesterday (below). Engineers can be seen on the left, not really knowing what they’re supposed to be doing, but doing it anyway.

A pub worker, who asked not to be named, said “It caused quite a stir. Some of the regulars – the ones that wear shell suits – had never seen water before and started dancing around the water like wild animals before they were asked to leave”.

Now, it seems, the blame game has swung into action, with the pub blaming Southern water for failing to clean the drains and Southern water blaming the council and now, the council, or Cllr John Gibley at least, is blaming veteran actor and Whitstable legend Peter Cushing.

“Peter Cushing was in Dr Who years ago”, said Gibley, “And the new Doctor Who’s were written by Russell T Davis, who everyone knows is a nooftah and God hates nooftahs. This is God taking his revenge in a mysterious way, because that’s how God does stuff. Mysteriously”.

But local resident Jon Boid was quick to dismiss Gibley’s claim with his own theory. 

“Gibley is once again talking out of his arse”, said Boid, “Has he never SEEN Countess Dracula?! Ingrid Pitt was a lesbian in that, and Cushing ended up driving a stake through her heart, for Christ’s sake. He did God’s work for him!”.

Manager of the Wetherspoon’s pub, John Smith, said, “I don’t know who’s to blame. But I’ll have words with that Ingrid Pitt woman if she comes in here”.

Crazy New Adventures With...

Recent traffic jams affecting childhood profanity

As Whitstable saw its worst ever gridlock on Sunday when the sun came out for two hours, some local parents have reported a disturbing knock-on effect in their children.

Parents have reported an increase in profanity among their children, and have blamed frustrated drivers as they crawl along Oxford Street at 2mph. Cressida Huntingdon – Fyah Fyah, of Albert Street has asked the council to ease the traffic queues after her 4 year old daughter swore at her.

“I had been pushing Jemima along in her buggy and was listening to all sorts of profanity from the frustrated drivers. When I got home, Jemima climbed into her little pedal car and started driving around the kitchen saying, “Get a fucking move on, y’cunt”...and, “You could get a fucking bus through that gap, you soppy bastard”...I was shocked. Shocked and upset”.

Another parent, Matilda Swanson of Swanfield Road, told The Wind Farm, “I have two children, and they came face to face in the hallway in their little pedal cars. My son, Hamish said, “Back up, you fucking pissprick...this is my right of way”, and my daughter refused. She said, ‘Where the fuck am I supposed to go, you fucking bellend?’...I had to bribe them out of their cars with sweets eventually”.

Even bus passengers reported an increase in childhood cursing, as Helena Schmitzz of Victoria Street told us.

Whitstable high street at two o'fucking
clock last Sunday.

“I was stuck on the bus with my 3 year old daughter for nearly an hour and had to endure all sorts of abuse aimed at the driver, poor thing. Car drivers were saying F-this and F-that, but he couldn’t move any faster because some idiot was loading his shopping into his car outside Iceland”.

Schmitzz claims that when she put her daughter to bed that night, the 3 year old kissed her on the cheek and said, “Goodnight, you doddery old cunt”.

Councillor Marjory Barjory, of Canterbury council, said “There’s little we can do to stop drivers swearing at each other during gridlock. I would advise drivers to close their windows and resort to obscene hand gestures for now”.

“Or they could get rid of the fucking loading bays where every bastard parks and causes the fucking jam in the first place, the selfish cunts”, added Jemima.