Extracts from The Wind Farm Summer Collection 2015...
Second man dies attempting to write cucumber joke.
Police are warning members of the public not to invent jokes
about cucumbers after a local man died attempting it.
James Hoskins of Walmer Road, was found dead at his home by a
neighbour who was concerned that he hadn’t been seen for a few days. Jan
Collier called the police and when Sgt Harold Par Boil arrived at his bungalow,
they were met with ‘a sight of unimaginable horror’.
“I can confirm that a 56 year old man was found dead at his
Whitstable home and forensic tests have confirmed that he was in the process of
writing a joke about a cucumber. This follows the death of Harry Sword of
Seasalter, who also passed away whilst attempting a cucumber related gag”.
 |
| A cucumber yesterday; "Dangerous" |
Joke expert and cucumber fan Nick Wilton said, “Jokes about
cucumbers are difficult and dangerous to
write, and are best avoided altogether. Their shape lends itself to obvious penis
jokes, but at the end of the day they are extremely dangerous vegetables”.
“More people are killed by cucumber jokes each year than
shark attacks and plane crashes”, he continued.
Sgt Par Boil issued a statement, saying “If you know of
anyone who may be attempting to write a joke about a cucumber, please call
Whitstable police station immediately. All calls are in complete confidence and
there may be a small reward involved if your information leads to the
prevention of a cucumber joke”.
The Top Five Cucumber
Jokes - From the Kew (cumber) archive centre in London.
1: What is a Grizzly Bear’s favourite
vegetable? - A Cucum-bear
2: What do you call a cucumber that
has been peeled of its skin? - A Cucum-bare.
3: What is a cucumber’s favourite
actor? – Benedict Cucumber -batch
4: What do you call a line of
Cucumbers? – A Queue - cumber
5: What is a cucumber’s favourite
Scottish border town? – Cu – Cumbernauld.
*
Local
History Books To Include ‘BC’ (Before Cushing) After Dates.
Local
historians are being asked to find out when exactly Peter Cushing moved to Whitstable
so that history books can be amended to include ‘BC’.
Cllr
Marjory Barjory proposed the initiative after discovering that no-one knew
exactly when the screen legend and pub namesake moved to town.
“Yes,
it’s a bit of a mystery”, said the 56 year old Lib-Dem councillor, “Everyone
knows when he died and where he used to drink his tea, but no-one can remember when
he moved here”.
Cushing
is still seen as a historical figure in town and a collage of all things
connected to the town is rarely seen without his face on it.
“I
think it would be a nice tribute to refer to, say, the 1953 floods as happening
in 1953 BC. Or the first passenger train service between Canterbury and
Whitstable open in 1830 BC”.
Even Dead
Horse Morris man and local historian Mark Lawson was unable to provide an
answer.
“I
think he moved here after the reign of Charles I, and before the discovery of
the crab apple”.
Lorry
collision sends Borstal hill roundabout
into orbit.
NASA
are attempting to land a probe on Borstal hill roundabout after a collision
with a lorry sent it into space.
The
roundabout, which is the one that car visitors turn left at to get to
Whitstable, has been floating in space ever since the collision and NASA are
now going to attempt to find a way to bring it back to earth.
“It’s
cheaper to launch a space probe to land on it and explore ways of bringing it
back to earth than it is for Canterbury council to actually build a new one.
Especially if this involves SERCO contractors working on Sundays and bank
holiday Mondays”, said Buck Buckman, a NASA spokesperson.
Plans
to destroy it with a nuclear bomb personally delivered by Ben Affleck and Bruce
Williams were abandoned after the national trust deemed it an ‘Historically
valuable roundabout’ and slapped a preservation order on it.
“This
is, after all, the only roundabout in the world that takes people to Whitstable
and Canterbury, both of which are famous for stuff like Peter Cushing and
Thomas Beckett”, said local roundabout historian Mark Webb, “And Tommy Cooper
once used it when he visited Whitstable in 1968. Its historical value is
underestimatable”.
 |
| The rounabaout (arrowed). Pic courtesy of NASA. |
Speaking
from NASA control, Pasadena, scientist Jack Denver said, “Our plan is to land
on the roundabout and install boosters that would fire it back into earth’s
atmosphere, and then deploy parachutes to land it safely. We expect a few of
the plants to perish on its way in, but the sign advertising the Premier Inn
should remain intact”.
NASA
are hoping to replicate the 1979 Russian roundabout mission, which saw a Moscow
roundabout bought relatively safely back to earth after a Lada collided with
it, sending it into orbit also.
“They
did manage to bring the roundabout back to earth”, said Buckman, “Albeit a few
hundred miles off course, where it landed on a farm and wiped out a herd of
cattle. But still”.
Borstal
Hill resident Guy Thomas said, “I hope it’s a successful mission. We miss that
roundabout very much”.
*
Chris Coates
still missing inside Whitstable
playhouse leaflet
Friend's vigil after singer disappears in 6 page labyrinth
A popular singer and occasional theatre director has
disappeared inside a notoriously difficult to fold leaflet and a desperate
rescue attempt is now underway to free him.
Chris Coates, singer with Kit Curtis and the B3’s, is said
to have become entangled with the Whitstable Playhouse theatre leaflet after
trying to fold it back into its original shape, as heartbroken wife Nicki
Coates told The Wind Farm.
“We were watching Masterchef one night when Chris picked up
the leaflet to see what was going on at the theatre”, she said, “I popped out
to the kitchen to make some tea, and when I came back, he had disappeared”.
After frantically searching their Albert Street home, Nicki
finally realised the awful truth – her husband had become to victim to the
notorious leaflet, which has so far claimed the lives of three people and
hospitalised a dozen others.
“I warned him time and again not to try to refold the
leaflet alone”, she sniffed, “But he wouldn’t listen. I miss him terribly”.
But hopes rose last week when Chris’s muffled cries were
heard coming from inside the leaflet, prompting family and friends to join the
mission to free him.
“I was going to bed one night, and had just said goodnight
to the leaflet when I heard Chris’s voice crying out Niiiiiicki!...It was then
that I realised that he was alive and well, so I called in friends to help coax
him out”.
Nerd.
Within minutes, close friends including Miles Cookman and
Phil Priston arrived at their home and started to communicating with the
leaflet.
.JPG) |
| Cookman, Waller and Priston, yesterday. |
“I asked if he was OK, and if he needed any food or water,
but he said he was alright for now but could murder a pint of Hophead”, said
Priston.
So, Priston and Cookman took the leaflet down The Black Dog
micro pub, where friends joined them in an effort to free Coates – and early
indications have been positive.
“I told Chris that there was a pint of Hophead waiting for
him if he could find his way out, and that seemed to do the trick”, said
Cookman, 41, “He said that he’d been stuck between page 3 and 4 of the leaflet,
advertising the Snow White panto, but was now making his way to page 5, where
the advert for the Elvis concert is. We’re all optimistic that he’ll be home
soon”
Cookman’s optimism was echoed by Nicki, who said, “I am sure
that he’ll be home by Christmas, although I’m surprised that a pint of Hophead
couldn’t tempt him out a bit quicker. I’m not surprised, however, that Cookman
drank the pint when no-one was looking”.
That short woman with the funny voice who played the psychic
in Poltergeist also visited the pub and said, “I sense that Chris is safe. Just as long as he stays away from the
light”.
*
 |
| Picture courtesy of Chris Coates (Before he disappeared). |
“I am Alan
Sugar’s finger”
A local actor has claimed that his finger is the one that
Alan Sugar apparently points when firing contestants on the apprentice.
Simon Cadfiel, of Walmer Road, claims that the show’s
producers auditioned his and other actor’s fingers after Lord Sugar’s was
deemed to be ‘Too short, stumpy and unphotogenic’. An acting agency was
contacted to find a suitable ‘stuntfinger’ – and Cadfiel’s was finally chosen.
“Think about it”, said Cadfiel, “You never actually see Lord
Sugar and his finger in the same shot. The camera points at his face, then it
cuts to his – well, my – finger.
Clever editing, see?”
 |
| Cadfiel's "Stunt Finger", yesterday. |
Cadfiel decided to reveal himself as Sugar’s stuntfinger
after the BBC refused to pay his finger royalties, and claims to have only been
paid the standard fee of £75 for a day’s filming.
“I am owed £80 every time they use footage of my finger,
that’s the standard royalty. Like that drummer that played the
‘Doon-doon-doon-doo-doo-do-do-do-do’ at the start of Eastenders. Every time
they play that, £80 goes straight into his account. And he now lives in a
fucking castle”.
A BBC spokesperson said, “We will investigate Cadfiel’s
claim once we’ve dealt with that clown that used to be on the test card
picture. He’s still trying to sue us so he can afford to buy some arms”.
41 indeed.
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