Extract from The Wind Farm Winter Collection 2015

Extracts from The Wind Farm Winter Collection 2015

Ladesfied asylum seekers promise to teach proper English to Facebook group 'Oppose to the plans for Ladesfield'

A group of teenage asylum seekers have thanked Canterbury council for finding them accommodation in Whitstable, and have offered to teach a group opposed to their housing some basic English tips.

A facebook group called 'Oppose to the plans for Ladesfield' was set up this week after it was announced that the asylum seekers were being housed in a disused OAP home right next to a primary school in Whitstable's poshest area, Joy Lane. 

The page soon had over 800 local xenophobes join it, even though many of them don't live anywhere near Joy Lane. The group's author remains anonymous, and the asylum seekers are now keen to contact him (or her) in an effort to teach them proper English.

"I am convinced that the group would gather more members if only the administrator could put their argument forward in comprehensible terms", said Slobvan Dvorak, aged 17.

Street Corners

The group raised fears that the asylum seekers would be a menace to locals, and would spend their time 'Hanging around on street corners' - a fear that Dvorak brushed aside. "We don't want to hang about on street corners", he said, "And even if we did, there would be no room as local youths are already hanging out there".

"We just want to adjust to a normal life, find jobs and contribute to the UK economy, like thousands of other immigrants before us", said fellow asylum seeker Rachvan Oblisvicich.

Skools

The Wind Farm messaged Oppose to the plans for Ladesfield, and a spokesman for them said, "We jus dont want there sort hear taking are jobs and hanging around skools you saw wot happend to Margate and Dover when they aloud asylum seekers in and that will happen in whitable as well before you no it".

Another member of the group, Bill 'Bullnose' Bradshaw, offered a slightly more charitable approach, saying "I'll give them a job, straight away. They can polish my jackboots for me before my next Britain First rally. Lol!"

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Nobody arrested in Tankerton after no crimes were reported or offences committed

A group of 30 teenagers weren’t arrested after they didn’t commit any crimes in Tankerton last week, police have revealed.

The teenagers gathered at around 10pm last Friday by the mast on Tankerton Slopes and went on to enjoy themselves by drinking cheap lager and playing dance music.

Sgt Par Boil - 'Complaint'

But angry Tankerton residents called the police at around 9.30 when it became clear that the teenagers, who were celebrating their A level results, may have stayed out past the local’s bedtime.

Sgt Harold Par Boil of Whitstable police told The Wind Farm, “I can confirm we received one complaint – if you can call it that – about a bunch of teenagers who weren’t committing any crimes on Tankerton slopes last Friday, so a couple of my men were dispatched to the scene to investigate what wasn’t happening”.

Constable Ray Collins said, “When we arrived at the scene we stood around and had a fag as nothing was actually happening – or ‘going down’ to use their vernacular – there were just a bunch of kids having a bit of a party and not committing any offences”.

Police did confirm, however, that some of the revelers were spoken to by the officers and were told to ‘behave themselves’, which they were anyway, apparently.

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Advert

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Resident forces bell ringers to play The Sex Pistols Pretty Vacant on Sundays.

Archaic law changes the tune

A resident of Whitstable high street has won a court case which has forced bell ringers at St Alphege church to play any tune requested.

Al Malkin discovered an old Cromwellian law that stated that church bell ringers have to play any tune if asked to do so by a parishioner within 100 yards of the church.

“And as I live within 70 yards of the church, I won the case”, said veteran punk Malkin, “Pretty Vacant is my all time favourite punk tune and I am looking forward to hearing it next Sunday”.

Mince Pies

A spokesman for St Alphege church told TheWind Farm, “This is a disappointing day for the parish, but the law is the law. Don’t forget, Cromwell passed a law making it illegal to eat mince pies on Christmas day, and that law still exists today. He was a right pain in the arse, Cromwell”.

Bell ringer Craig Turnball said, “It’s a more tricky arrangement than you might imagine but we hope to have it ready by next Sunday. I just hope there aren’t any Rush fans in the area!”

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Man sells his soul to the Devil for parking space

Hertfordshire man faces eternal damnation for parking in Bexley Street

A tourist from Hertfordshire admitted this week that he sold his soul to the devil in exchange for a parking space.

Tom Sowdon, of Hertford, told The Wind Farm that he was visiting the oyster festival and spent half an hour driving around the back streets of Whitstable looking for a space.

'Satan, yesterday

"Suddenly, Satan appeared from nowhere and said I could have a space on a driveway around the corner", he said, "I jumped at the chance, but Satan said there was a price to pay - my soul, plus £100 and a case of Stella Artois. It's not often I get the chance to visit Whitstable, so I agreed. I'm starting to regret it now".

According to Sowden, 'Satan' wasn't as he appears in the bible, with horns and a tail, as he explained.

"He was softly spoken with lanky white hair and a pin stripe jacket. I know that Satan has many names, and after we'd shaken on the deal, he said that I could call him 'Ronnie'. Not that I'll get a chance as I've not seen him since"

Extracts from The Wind Farm Summer Collection 2015...


Second man dies attempting to write cucumber joke.

Police are warning members of the public not to invent jokes about cucumbers after a local man died attempting it.

James Hoskins of Walmer Road, was found dead at his home by a neighbour who was concerned that he hadn’t been seen for a few days. Jan Collier called the police and when Sgt Harold Par Boil arrived at his bungalow, they were met with ‘a sight of unimaginable horror’.

“I can confirm that a 56 year old man was found dead at his Whitstable home and forensic tests have confirmed that he was in the process of writing a joke about a cucumber. This follows the death of Harry Sword of Seasalter, who also passed away whilst attempting a cucumber related gag”.

A cucumber yesterday; "Dangerous"

Joke expert and cucumber fan Nick Wilton said, “Jokes about cucumbers are  difficult and dangerous to write, and are best avoided altogether.  Their shape lends itself to obvious penis jokes, but at the end of the day they are extremely dangerous vegetables”.

“More people are killed by cucumber jokes each year than shark attacks and plane crashes”, he continued.

Sgt Par Boil issued a statement, saying “If you know of anyone who may be attempting to write a joke about a cucumber, please call Whitstable police station immediately. All calls are in complete confidence and there may be a small reward involved if your information leads to the prevention of a cucumber joke”.

The Top Five Cucumber Jokes - From the Kew (cumber) archive centre in London.

1: What is a Grizzly Bear’s favourite vegetable?  - A Cucum-bear

2: What do you call a cucumber that has been peeled of its skin?  -  A Cucum-bare.

3: What is a cucumber’s favourite actor? – Benedict Cucumber -batch

4: What do you call a line of Cucumbers? – A Queue - cumber

5: What is a cucumber’s favourite Scottish border town? – Cu – Cumbernauld.

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Local History Books To Include ‘BC’ (Before Cushing) After Dates.

Local historians are being asked to find out when exactly Peter Cushing moved to Whitstable so that history books can be amended to include ‘BC’.

Cllr Marjory Barjory proposed the initiative after discovering that no-one knew exactly when the screen legend and pub namesake moved to town.

“Yes, it’s a bit of a mystery”, said the 56 year old Lib-Dem councillor, “Everyone knows when he died and where he used to drink his tea, but no-one can remember when he moved here”.

Cushing is still seen as a historical figure in town and a collage of all things connected to the town is rarely seen without his face on it.

“I think it would be a nice tribute to refer to, say, the 1953 floods as happening in 1953 BC. Or the first passenger train service between Canterbury and Whitstable open in 1830 BC”.

Even Dead Horse Morris man and local historian Mark Lawson was unable to provide an answer.

“I think he moved here after the reign of Charles I, and before the discovery of the crab apple”.

If YOU know when Peter Cushing moved to Whitstable, contact majorybarjory@Canterbury.gov.uk

Lorry collision sends Borstal hill roundabout 

into orbit.

NASA are attempting to land a probe on Borstal hill roundabout after a collision with a lorry sent it into space.

The roundabout, which is the one that car visitors turn left at to get to Whitstable, has been floating in space ever since the collision and NASA are now going to attempt to find a way to bring it back to earth.

“It’s cheaper to launch a space probe to land on it and explore ways of bringing it back to earth than it is for Canterbury council to actually build a new one. Especially if this involves SERCO contractors working on Sundays and bank holiday Mondays”, said Buck Buckman, a NASA spokesperson.

Plans to destroy it with a nuclear bomb personally delivered by Ben Affleck and Bruce Williams were abandoned after the national trust deemed it an ‘Historically valuable roundabout’ and slapped a preservation order on it.

“This is, after all, the only roundabout in the world that takes people to Whitstable and Canterbury, both of which are famous for stuff like Peter Cushing and Thomas Beckett”, said local roundabout historian Mark Webb, “And Tommy Cooper once used it when he visited Whitstable in 1968. Its historical value is underestimatable”.

The rounabaout (arrowed). Pic courtesy of NASA.

Speaking from NASA control, Pasadena, scientist Jack Denver said, “Our plan is to land on the roundabout and install boosters that would fire it back into earth’s atmosphere, and then deploy parachutes to land it safely. We expect a few of the plants to perish on its way in, but the sign advertising the Premier Inn should remain intact”.

NASA are hoping to replicate the 1979 Russian roundabout mission, which saw a Moscow roundabout bought relatively safely back to earth after a Lada collided with it, sending it into orbit also.

“They did manage to bring the roundabout back to earth”, said Buckman, “Albeit a few hundred miles off course, where it landed on a farm and wiped out a herd of cattle. But still”.

Borstal Hill resident Guy Thomas said, “I hope it’s a successful mission. We miss that roundabout very much”.

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Chris Coates still missing inside Whitstable 

playhouse leaflet

Friend's vigil after singer disappears in 6 page labyrinth

A popular singer and occasional theatre director has disappeared inside a notoriously difficult to fold leaflet and a desperate rescue attempt is now underway to free him.

Chris Coates, singer with Kit Curtis and the B3’s, is said to have become entangled with the Whitstable Playhouse theatre leaflet after trying to fold it back into its original shape, as heartbroken wife Nicki Coates told The Wind Farm.

“We were watching Masterchef one night when Chris picked up the leaflet to see what was going on at the theatre”, she said, “I popped out to the kitchen to make some tea, and when I came back, he had disappeared”.

After frantically searching their Albert Street home, Nicki finally realised the awful truth – her husband had become to victim to the notorious leaflet, which has so far claimed the lives of three people and hospitalised a dozen others.

“I warned him time and again not to try to refold the leaflet alone”, she sniffed, “But he wouldn’t listen. I miss him terribly”.

But hopes rose last week when Chris’s muffled cries were heard coming from inside the leaflet, prompting family and friends to join the mission to free him.

“I was going to bed one night, and had just said goodnight to the leaflet when I heard Chris’s voice crying out Niiiiiicki!...It was then that I realised that he was alive and well, so I called in friends to help coax him out”.

Nerd.

Within minutes, close friends including Miles Cookman and Phil Priston arrived at their home and started to communicating with the leaflet.

Cookman, Waller and Priston, yesterday.

“I asked if he was OK, and if he needed any food or water, but he said he was alright for now but could murder a pint of Hophead”, said Priston.

So, Priston and Cookman took the leaflet down The Black Dog micro pub, where friends joined them in an effort to free Coates – and early indications have been positive.

“I told Chris that there was a pint of Hophead waiting for him if he could find his way out, and that seemed to do the trick”, said Cookman, 41, “He said that he’d been stuck between page 3 and 4 of the leaflet, advertising the Snow White panto, but was now making his way to page 5, where the advert for the Elvis concert is. We’re all optimistic that he’ll be home soon”

Cookman’s optimism was echoed by Nicki, who said, “I am sure that he’ll be home by Christmas, although I’m surprised that a pint of Hophead couldn’t tempt him out a bit quicker. I’m not surprised, however, that Cookman drank the pint when no-one was looking”.

That short woman with the funny voice who played the psychic in Poltergeist also visited the pub and said, “I sense that Chris is safe.  Just as long as he stays away from the light”.

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Picture courtesy of Chris Coates (Before he disappeared).

“I am Alan Sugar’s finger”

A local actor has claimed that his finger is the one that Alan Sugar apparently points when firing contestants on the apprentice.

Simon Cadfiel, of Walmer Road, claims that the show’s producers auditioned his and other actor’s fingers after Lord Sugar’s was deemed to be ‘Too short, stumpy and unphotogenic’. An acting agency was contacted to find a suitable ‘stuntfinger’ – and Cadfiel’s was finally chosen.

“Think about it”, said Cadfiel, “You never actually see Lord Sugar and his finger in the same shot. The camera points at his face, then it cuts to his – well, my – finger. Clever editing, see?”

Cadfiel's "Stunt Finger", yesterday.

Cadfiel decided to reveal himself as Sugar’s stuntfinger after the BBC refused to pay his finger royalties, and claims to have only been paid the standard fee of £75 for a day’s filming.

“I am owed £80 every time they use footage of my finger, that’s the standard royalty. Like that drummer that played the ‘Doon-doon-doon-doo-doo-do-do-do-do’ at the start of Eastenders. Every time they play that, £80 goes straight into his account. And he now lives in a fucking castle”.

A BBC spokesperson said, “We will investigate Cadfiel’s claim once we’ve dealt with that clown that used to be on the test card picture. He’s still trying to sue us so he can afford to buy some arms”.

Hotel Continental attracting giant moths from Norway.

Owner advised to use dimmer switches after invasion.

The manager of the Hotel Continental has been told to dim the lights at night after another giant moth crashed into it last Tuesday.

Robert Heffinton-Phillips, who has managed the popular hotel for a year told The Wind Farm, “It’s good advice, we simply cannot afford to replace the windows any more. These moths are massive”

According to Robert, the trouble began in July after the hotel, which is directly in line with Norway, installed new outside lighting, using sodium lights. Within hours, two huge moths had crashed into the building, causing the walls to crack.

“They were about the size of a Reliant Robin”, said Robert, “We had to close the bar for the evening.  Some of the customers were terrified”.

The moths, which can fly at speeds of up to 100mph, all died on impact and were immediately sent to the natural history museum for inspection.

A reliant Robin, yesterday.

“They’re an extremely rare breed, and live mainly around the fjords”, said naturologist Dr Hans Gruber, “The sooner the Hotel Continental changes their lights, the better. We simply don’t have the room for them any more”.

New lights are being installed at the time of writing, as Heffington-Phillips explained, “New lights are being installed. They are dimmer, with enough light to illuminate the seats outside, but not bright enough to attract giant moths from Norway”

One moth told The Wind Farm, “We certainly don’t go there for the beer, that's for sure".

Whitstable sculpture ‘optimistic’ about statue of liberty statue.

A local artist has told The Wind Farm of her optimism that her statue of liberty will be bought by Canterbury council – for £200,000.

The statue, measuring roughly 18 inches tall and resting on an upturned washing up bowl, was submitted the council by sculptor Dyan Napoc.

“I believe that my work is as good as the one they have in New York and represents Whitstable because we have a lot of cats in town”.

Cllr Marjory Barjory of Canterbury Council said, “It’s an interesting piece of work, for sure. But we could find other ways of wasting two hundred grand quite easily. Like putting speakers in Keam’s yard car park, for instance”.

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Jesus's ringpiece appears on pub table

Drinkers at a popular pub in Whitstable were in for a shock at the weekend after Jesus’s ringpiece appeared in front of them.

Is this Jesus's  ringpiece?

Drinkers claim that the anal apparition appeared on a table around about the time Jesus was said to have emerged from his cave on Easter Sunday.

“It wasn’t there one moment”, said pub regular Rob Morris, “And then it was. It’s a miracle, for sure”.

Other regulars claim that the ringpiece has healing powers.

“I only went in the pub for one pint”, said Gary Lewes, “And after seeing my saviour’s bumhole on the table, I drank another eight. I certainly felt better after  that”.

The landlord, who asked The Wind Farm not to identify the pub for fear of being overrun by Christian’s who don’t drink, said “I’ll have to get some wood filler before it starts weeping. Stigmata is all very well when a statue has blood coming from its hands, but I don’t want Christ’s crack weeping in my pub, thank you very much”.

The Wind Farm spoke to keen carpenter and Hollywood star Harrison Ford, who almost met Jesus in Raiders OF The Lost Ark, what he thought.

“I suspect it’s just a crack in the wood, but not necessarily a bum crack. Or it could be a knot. I tend to work with pine rather than oak, to be honest”, he said.

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The Wind Farm spoke to Robert Powell (Left), who played Jesus in Jesus Of Nazareth, if he thought the apparition was indeed our saviour’s arse.

“It’s difficult to tell”, he said, “I’m guessing that they all look the same at the end of the day, regardless of who they belong to. It does look a bit like mine, I must say. So yes, it probably could be Jesus’s bum hole”.

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Counterpoint - with Col M. Farquar - Ladygarden (Retd)

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Multi-Storey Car Park Fiasco In Town

Plans to alleviate the parking problem in Whitstable were thrown into disarray this week after a works order typo.

Council contracted builders were scheduled to build a car park on waste ground behind Greene’s tile emporium, but a typo meant that the works order was for a multi-storey Cat park.

“It’s an easy mistake to make”, said Helene Phillips, the secretary responsible, “The letter ‘R’ is right next to the ‘T’ on a standard keyboard. Anyone could have done it”, she said from the job centre where she is now looking for a new job.

Work went ahead and the new cat park was completed, as site manager Neil Griffiths explained.

“It has five storeys with lots of scratching posts, dangling balls of catnip and little balls with bells in for the cats to play with”.

The cat park also has several water bowls and large paddling pool filled with dried food so the cats can eat.

“At least it will keep the stray cats off the streets”, said Griffiths, “Not that cars travelling through Whitstable ever drive fast enough to do any damage to a cat, should they hit one”.

Growing concerns over Food Giant moving to Whitstable

Fears were growing in town this week amidst rumours of a food giant moving into the high street.

Speculation has been rife as to which food giant is moving to the site of Cain’s amusement arcade, with some parents worried that it might be the giant gingerbread man from Shrek 2.

“My children are terrified”, said Cathy Winer of Joy Lane, “Ever since the local papers reported it, they’ve been sleeping with my husband and I. They’re scared shitless”.

The bloke who runs Budgens across the road from Cain’s said, “My children are also terrified at the prospect of a food giant moving across the road. My daughter’s convinced it will be the marshmallow man from Ghostbusters. She still hides behind the sofa when he comes on the TV”.

Worse still, some believe that Whitstable may soon be invaded by the Jolly Green Giant from the sweetcorn ads, or even the honey monster.

“I don’t think we need to worry too much about the last two”, said local food giant historian Mark Taylor, “Technically, they’re not made out of food. But I am a bit worried about the giant gingerbread man, to be honest”.

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John Cleese ‘Disappointed’ at amount of 

cheese available in Whitstable

Ex Monty Python star John Cleese has told of his disappointment at being available to find every cheese he asked for last week.

Some cheese, yesterday

Cleese, whose real name is John Cheddar, told The Wind Farm, “Well, I was, uh, sitting in the Whitstable library on Oxford Street just then, skimming through Rogue Herrys by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all peckish.  And I thought to myself, "a little fermented curd will do the trick," so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated The Cheese Box to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles”.

But when he reached the harbour street shop, he was soon disappointed – as owner Dawn Tucker told us, “Yes, he came in and started asking for cheese and we had every one he wanted. Inlcuding Oxford Isis and Stinky Bishop. He seemed quite frustrated at one point, but thankfully, he didn’t shoot me like he shot Michael Palin!”.

Dave Brown of Dave’s Deli, also in Harbour Street also met Cleese and told a similar story.

“Yes, he came in and started asking for cheese and we had every one he wanted. Inlcuding Oxford Isis and Stinky Bishop. He seemed quite frustrated at one point, but thankfully, he didn’t shoot me like he shot Michael Palin!”.

Cleese, who recently reunited with the Monty Python gang for a one off show at the 02 arena said, “They certainly know their cheeses in Whitstable. And sadly, the local pet shop doesn’t sell parrots, so that’s the fucking parrot sketch out the window as well".

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Apache attack helicopters ‘Could solve

 loading bay problem’ – council

Controversial plans to attack cars that park in loading bays with Apache helicopters were announced by the council this week.

Cllr Marjory Barjory told a press conference this week, “It will be easier and cheaper to blow the cars up with Apache helicopters than to actually solve the problem that’s slowly choking our town to death”.

An Apache helicopter, yesterday

“It will cost millions to turn the high street into a one way system, and Apache helicopters are ten a penny in Russia. The mafia will sell you one for a couple of grand. No questions asked”, she added.

Barjory also claims that the initiative will create new jobs.

“There will be vacancies for pilots and also we’ll need a labour force to clear up the mess afterwards. Training will be available, no experience will be necessary although a basic knowledge of firearms will be an advantage”.

Hank Marvin, who had a hit with Apache when he was with The Shadows said, “I don’t think that attacking illegally parked cars with Apache helicopters is a good idea. I have my reservations about that. Ha! ‘Reservations’ – see what I did there?”

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...ere. Guess what. You know that massive puddle outside the yacht club? It’s officially been classed as a ‘flood’. Yeah! A flood mate. Council measured it, and it’s three inches deep and 30 feet long. 8 foot wide it is. They reckon that’s the minimum requirement to upgrade from a puddle to a flood. Could get worse if it keeps raining. Four inches deep by March they say. But here’s the worst part, right...yacht club have put a plank across it and are calling it an official bridge. Yeah! AND...they’re gonna start charging people to cross it! Three quid a time, they reckon. Or a fiver for a couple. Reckon they’re gonna have some bloke operating the bridge.  A bridgekeeper, they say. He’ll raise the plank like. Just so’s yacht club owners can walk their boats to the sea. They reckon he can impersonate a foghorn as well. For when it’s foggy. Health and safety, see? Yacht club are well within their rights, it’s their land. Nothing you can do the stop them. Guess what, though? It’s not their plank of wood! No...Bruce Williams reckoned they nicked it from his gallery when he was refurbing it. Furious, he is. Wants a cut from the toll money. And now guess what? That Greene bloke reckons that the land, the bridge AND the money belongs to him. He claims he bought the beach from the queen in 1969. Fiver he paid. It’s all gonna kick off, y’know. Worse than the Ukraine. That’s what I heard...

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'That was my dad dressed as Big Foot' - Suggs.

Madness singer Suggs made an astonishing claim this week, claiming that the famous 'Big Foot' film was a fake - filmed by Suggs himself.

The cine camera film - which has become known as Big Footage - shows an eight foot tall hairy man walking away from the camera in a forest.

The film emerged in 1967, and was supposedly shot in a Californian national park. But Suggs - real name Graham Suggs - claims that he shot it in Clowes Woods during a family walk and it was simply his dad dressed in a gorilla outfit.

"I was 6 at the time, and my dad was a bit of a practical joker. It was all his idea. He'd bought a gorilla outfit from a junk shop and thought it would be a laugh to film a hoax of Bigfoot. I just think it's time to set the record straight and put this legend to rest".

Suggs also claims that the famous picture of the Loch Ness monster was his leg sticking out of the sea at Tankerton.

"My mum filmed that. She still lives in Tankerton. The reason the picture's blurry is because mum was laughing so much. They were happy days, them".

But perhaps his most outrageous claim of all is that the famous 'Alien' footage supposedly shot at Roswell airbase was actually his older brother dressed as an alien and filmed in the garden shed.

"Yep, that was us, too. We were a happy family at our house. In the middle of the street. The moon landings was us as well".