Extract from The Wind Farm Winter Collection 2015

Extracts from The Wind Farm Winter Collection 2015

Ladesfied asylum seekers promise to teach proper English to Facebook group 'Oppose to the plans for Ladesfield'

A group of teenage asylum seekers have thanked Canterbury council for finding them accommodation in Whitstable, and have offered to teach a group opposed to their housing some basic English tips.

A facebook group called 'Oppose to the plans for Ladesfield' was set up this week after it was announced that the asylum seekers were being housed in a disused OAP home right next to a primary school in Whitstable's poshest area, Joy Lane. 

The page soon had over 800 local xenophobes join it, even though many of them don't live anywhere near Joy Lane. The group's author remains anonymous, and the asylum seekers are now keen to contact him (or her) in an effort to teach them proper English.

"I am convinced that the group would gather more members if only the administrator could put their argument forward in comprehensible terms", said Slobvan Dvorak, aged 17.

Street Corners

The group raised fears that the asylum seekers would be a menace to locals, and would spend their time 'Hanging around on street corners' - a fear that Dvorak brushed aside. "We don't want to hang about on street corners", he said, "And even if we did, there would be no room as local youths are already hanging out there".

"We just want to adjust to a normal life, find jobs and contribute to the UK economy, like thousands of other immigrants before us", said fellow asylum seeker Rachvan Oblisvicich.

Skools

The Wind Farm messaged Oppose to the plans for Ladesfield, and a spokesman for them said, "We jus dont want there sort hear taking are jobs and hanging around skools you saw wot happend to Margate and Dover when they aloud asylum seekers in and that will happen in whitable as well before you no it".

Another member of the group, Bill 'Bullnose' Bradshaw, offered a slightly more charitable approach, saying "I'll give them a job, straight away. They can polish my jackboots for me before my next Britain First rally. Lol!"

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Nobody arrested in Tankerton after no crimes were reported or offences committed

A group of 30 teenagers weren’t arrested after they didn’t commit any crimes in Tankerton last week, police have revealed.

The teenagers gathered at around 10pm last Friday by the mast on Tankerton Slopes and went on to enjoy themselves by drinking cheap lager and playing dance music.

Sgt Par Boil - 'Complaint'

But angry Tankerton residents called the police at around 9.30 when it became clear that the teenagers, who were celebrating their A level results, may have stayed out past the local’s bedtime.

Sgt Harold Par Boil of Whitstable police told The Wind Farm, “I can confirm we received one complaint – if you can call it that – about a bunch of teenagers who weren’t committing any crimes on Tankerton slopes last Friday, so a couple of my men were dispatched to the scene to investigate what wasn’t happening”.

Constable Ray Collins said, “When we arrived at the scene we stood around and had a fag as nothing was actually happening – or ‘going down’ to use their vernacular – there were just a bunch of kids having a bit of a party and not committing any offences”.

Police did confirm, however, that some of the revelers were spoken to by the officers and were told to ‘behave themselves’, which they were anyway, apparently.

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Resident forces bell ringers to play The Sex Pistols Pretty Vacant on Sundays.

Archaic law changes the tune

A resident of Whitstable high street has won a court case which has forced bell ringers at St Alphege church to play any tune requested.

Al Malkin discovered an old Cromwellian law that stated that church bell ringers have to play any tune if asked to do so by a parishioner within 100 yards of the church.

“And as I live within 70 yards of the church, I won the case”, said veteran punk Malkin, “Pretty Vacant is my all time favourite punk tune and I am looking forward to hearing it next Sunday”.

Mince Pies

A spokesman for St Alphege church told TheWind Farm, “This is a disappointing day for the parish, but the law is the law. Don’t forget, Cromwell passed a law making it illegal to eat mince pies on Christmas day, and that law still exists today. He was a right pain in the arse, Cromwell”.

Bell ringer Craig Turnball said, “It’s a more tricky arrangement than you might imagine but we hope to have it ready by next Sunday. I just hope there aren’t any Rush fans in the area!”

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Man sells his soul to the Devil for parking space

Hertfordshire man faces eternal damnation for parking in Bexley Street

A tourist from Hertfordshire admitted this week that he sold his soul to the devil in exchange for a parking space.

Tom Sowdon, of Hertford, told The Wind Farm that he was visiting the oyster festival and spent half an hour driving around the back streets of Whitstable looking for a space.

'Satan, yesterday

"Suddenly, Satan appeared from nowhere and said I could have a space on a driveway around the corner", he said, "I jumped at the chance, but Satan said there was a price to pay - my soul, plus £100 and a case of Stella Artois. It's not often I get the chance to visit Whitstable, so I agreed. I'm starting to regret it now".

According to Sowden, 'Satan' wasn't as he appears in the bible, with horns and a tail, as he explained.

"He was softly spoken with lanky white hair and a pin stripe jacket. I know that Satan has many names, and after we'd shaken on the deal, he said that I could call him 'Ronnie'. Not that I'll get a chance as I've not seen him since"