The Wind Farm

Fury as Santa tells children 'Julian Brazier doesn't exist'.

"I was only trying to protect them", said tearful Father Christmas

Canterbury council have called for the sacking of a Santa Claus after he told children in his grotto that Tory MP Julian Brazier "Was made up to scare them".

Retired tyre fitter Harry Reynolds (Below), of Walmer Road, is alleged to have told children, some as young as three, that Julian Brazier was invented to scare them into being good before Christmas, so they would get the presents they'd asked for.

"I'd heard that some children were being told that if they weren't good, Julian Brazier would turn up on Christmas eve and steal their presents. He would arrive on a sleigh being pulled by Councillors John Gilbey and Mike Harrison", said the 72 year old.

"One tearful little girl said she was terrified that she wouldn't get the One Direction DVD that she wanted because she lived in Brazier's constituency. I couldn't allow their Christmas to be ruined like that".

A spokesman for Canterbury council told The Wind Farm, "We have asked for the removal of Mr Reynolds from the grotto, and would like him to be replaced by someone who says 'Ho! Ho! Ho! instead. Or at the very least, doesn't tell kids that Tory councillors don't exist". 

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Councillor Mike Harrison has also called for the relocation of the grotto, which is based at Whitstable castle.

"I live right across the road, and the sound of kids enjoying themselves makes me want to puke", said Harrison, "Children should earn the right to sit on Santa's knee by cleaning chimneys or something".

Professor Eugene Flake to make Keira Knightley's neck shorter.

Professor Eugene Flake of the university of West Tankerton claims to have developed a method to make Keira Knightley's neck shorter.

Flake, 56, claims to have been working on the method for several months and has submitted his findings to the actress (Below)

"It took a while to work, as it involved physics and maths and stuff", Flake said, "But I hope Miss Knightley will be impressed".

Knightley (rightly) is known to have caused problems in all of her films, with her head often going out of shot due to her neck's length.

"In Love Actually, when she answers the door to Andrew Lincoln, she was actually on her knees. If she were standing, she would have been taller than the house", said Flake.

"My method is really quite simple", said Flake, "I will hit her on the head repeatedly with a frying pan until her head is approximately three inches from her shoulders".

"It's A Dangerous Method", joked Flake, "I just hope I don't Bend It Like Beckham", he joked again.  Knightley's agent said, "Keira is looking forward to having a shorter neck, but not looking forward to being hit on the head".

You know the Christmas lights, yeah? Canterbury Council buying them from abroad, right? China, they reckon. Guess what I heard? My mate's dad works for Maersk shipping, he was on the same ship as Captain Phillips when it got hijacked by those pirates. Jack Sparrow, yeah? Well guess what? Lights have been hijacked by Somalian pirates! Yeah. Unbeliveable. Just took the lights, nothing else. Crew handed them over. Actually, they took some car batteries as well, to power the lights. Not much electricity in Somalia. Get it for two days a week only. But plenty of shops. Little place called Abaan Weyn. Got high streets and all sorts, just like us. Reckon they've got their street lit up and looking well lush. Guess who they asked to switch the lights on? Council leader. John Gilbey. He's not going to, though. You know why? Expenses. Somalians couldn't afford him. Wanted to fly out first class. Wanted to stay at the poshest hotel. They reckon his expenses would have been worth more than the local economy. That's a load of old flannel about the lights not arriving on time. Ship got hijacked. Lights would have been here on time, they reckon. That's what I heard...and anyway, what happened to the lights they used last year, eh?

Locals claim Christmas pyramid has 'Miraculous Powers'

Shoppers claim to have seen Jesus under Christmas light structure.

As the UK braces itself for an inxodous of Bulgarians and Romans, Whitstable is expecting thousands of visitors to its Christmas pyramid after word spread of its miraculous powers.

The Pyramid, yesterday.

The pyramid, located at the end of Harbour Street after the Shapla restaurant but before Whitstable produce store, and opposite The Dukes has, claim locals, been performing miracles since its erection.

Local guitar legend Steve 'Blotz' Bolton told The Wind Farm, "I always struggled to play Richie Blackmore's guitar solo during 'Burn', but five minutes after standing beneath the pyramid, I could play it - with my feet!".

Pensioner Gertrude Hassock, 86, of Walmer Road said, "I have been waiting for a cataract operation for two years now. I visited the pyramid and now I can see through solid objects. If I'm in a funny mood, I can also melt them. Melt them, yessss...".

People passing the pyramid have also felt its powers, as motorist Ronnie Rumball told us. "I was driving my clapped out old volvo past the pyramid, and by the time I'd reached the end of Harbour Street, my car had turned into a gleaming new Ford Transit - with a tax disc!".

The pyramid doesn't always perform positive miracles, though, as local TV grocer Greg Wallace explained.

"I visited the pyramid in the hope that it would make me less annoying, but it didn't. I talk more crap on TV now than I ever did".

People wishing to visit the pyramid are being advised to do so between 5pm and 10pm, and are being asked to make a small donation to charity.

"Even the charities are benefiting from this", said local volunteer Jake Harris, "When I emptied the bucket yesterday, the coins had turned into fish. Hundreds of 'em. It's a Christmas miracle for sure".