’50p Man’ in conflict with undercutting superhero

Caped crusader’s pledge to scrounge less clears streets of nuisance ponce.

A street scrounger simply known as ‘50p Man’ has told The Wind Farm of his fury at being undercut by a caped superhero who scrounges for less.

Speaking from Reeves beach shelter, 50p Man said “It’s just plain unfair. I had cornered the market in scrounging 50p from townsfolk, but now I may have to drop to 35p because if this other mush”.

The battle began after several locals complained on Facebook about a man who was approaching them for 50p in an ‘aggressive and menacing way’.

One woman, who asked to remain anonymous, said “He approached me three times in the same day, and I told him to piss off. If he had been a bit more polite about it, he could have made £1.50 out of me that day”.

Within a day of the Facebook complaints appearing, a new street scrounger had arrived – a masked man who calls himself Captain Undercut – and it seems he has cornered the market.

Captain Undercut said, “I simply want to rid the streets of this rude man. And like all businesses, the one most likely to succeed is the one charging less and having better customer skills”.

This claim was backed up by Helen Emerald of Walmer Road, after an encounter with both.

“50p man accosted me in the street and demanded money without saying please or thank you. I ignored him and was approached by 40p Man ten minutes later. He was very polite and even kissed my hand and said ‘enchante’. He said I could give him a nosh for 30p. I didn’t of course, but it was very tempting offer. Tee Hee”.

Sgt Harold Par Boil (left) of Whitstable Police said, “I know times are hard but intimidating people for money isn’t the way forward. And the one in the cape is no better, either. Polite or not, he’s still a scrounging little ponce”.

Things are about to change on the streets of Whitstable this week, though. The Wind Farm understands that a flurry of scroungers are to hit the streets, with one charging as little as 10p.

“It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there”, said popular street drinker Alex McQue, “And if things don’t get better, I’ll have to eat MY dog. Scabs an’ all! LOL!!”.

Crab doughnuts a threat to local business.

A local business claims it may have to close after crabs started making doughnuts, using a recipe that they stole from them.

The owner of The Shack, a popular seafront eatery and drinkery, claims that crabs have been spying on them and has made a further accusation of industrial espionage against them.

“I know what they’re up to, the little bastards”, staff member and chief doughnut maker Carl Hawkins told us, “We are losing a great deal of trade to them and we can’t catch them either. They can run quicker than us AND bury themselves”.

The crabs, who have been setting ‘pop up’ shops around Whitstable beach were quick to defend their business, however.

“We’re just trying to make a living, like everyone else. If The Shack want to make something of it, they know where to find us”, said head crab chef ‘Rocky’.

But it seems that the crab’s venture into doughnut making may be under threat after university of West Tankerton nutritionist Hans Vidmark examined their recipe –and the results were shocking.

Some creme egg doughnuts, yesterday

“It seems that the crabs haven’t stolen any traditional doughnut recipe – they’ve invented their own”.

Vidmark claims that the crab’s version of the doughnut consisted of nothing more than sand, sea mud, sugar and salt, with hole in the middle punched out with a crab claw.

“They taste like a regular doughnut, but then anything tastes good if you pour sugar and salt into it”, said Vidmark, “Technically, the crabs aren’t doing anything wrong”.

“AND, we call them Donuts, not doughnuts. The Shack haven’t got a leg to stand on, whereas we have eight”, said Rocky.

Seagulls invading Seasalter because of gay marriages – Cllr Gibley

A recent influx of Seagulls to Seasalter has been blamed on homosexuals by councillor John Gibley.

The astonishing claim was made by the controversial councillor after a flock of seagulls took up residence in Seasalter, traditionally a no-go area for birds.

Local resident Carole Mulhern of Lucerne Drive  said, “No-one around here can remember seeing a Seagull in seasalter. Even old fisherman Albert Daley, and he’s 118 next week”.

Daley said, “I have lived here all my life and I remember seeing a pterodactyl once when I was a nipper. But never a seagull. They just don’t like it here”.

Gibley’s claim was overheard on a microphone which was left on at the end of a council meeting recently, but the 71 year old councillor is standing by his claim, telling The Wind Farm, “It’s no secret that gay marriages are to blame for recent floods, so who’s to say that the mis-navigation of Seagulls isn’t down to homosexuals as well? No-one has yet to prove me wrong, including scientists”.

Back in Seasalter, Daley, now 119, said it was probably to do with the weather. “It’s to do with the weird weather, not homosexuals. I remember seeing one when I was a nipper. Funny thing, he was. Locals tried to hang him. No, it’s definitely the weather. There’s an old saying, “If a Gull should appear, at this time of year, it’s abundantly clear, that the weather is queer”.

“This merely proves that I’m right”, said Gibley, “Even the weather’s turning queer. Q E fucking D”.

Michael Crawford Blue Plaque 'Unlikely' for Whitstable

A blue plaque to mark the spot in Whitstable where you can see Micahel Crawford's old house on Sheppey is unlikely to get the go ahead, according to Canterbury Council.

Crawford, yesterday.

The house, which is only visible from Whitstable when the sun's out, is directly opposite Wave Crest where residents recently made the application.

"We thought it would be a nice idea to mark the spot where you can see his birthplace", said resident Karen Doolittle, "And we're sure that Michael would rather be associated with Whitstable than Leysdown. We're the next best thing, surely".

Councillor Marjory Barjory said, "We can ill afford any more blue plaques right now. We're already having some 'Lived here' plaques made up for Janet Street-Porter, Al Murray, Harry Hill and that bird from the Tesco adverts for when they all move away. Having celebrities live in Whitstable is always a good pull for tourists, but expensive when it comes to blue plaques".

But the council have agreed to write 'You can also see Michael Crawford's house from here' on Peter Cushing's plaque which is further along the beach, using a marker pen.

Fury as Santa tells children 'Julian Brazier doesn't exist'.

"I was only trying to protect them", said tearful Father Christmas

Canterbury council have called for the sacking of a Santa Claus after he told children in his grotto that Tory MP Julian Brazier "Was made up to scare them".

Retired tyre fitter Harry Reynolds (Below), of Walmer Road, is alleged to have told children, some as young as three, that Julian Brazier was invented to scare them into being good before Christmas, so they would get the presents they'd asked for.

"I'd heard that some children were being told that if they weren't good, Julian Brazier would turn up on Christmas eve and steal their presents. He would arrive on a sleigh being pulled by Councillors John Gilbey and Mike Harrison", said the 72 year old.

"One tearful little girl said she was terrified that she wouldn't get the One Direction DVD that she wanted because she lived in Brazier's constituency. I couldn't allow their Christmas to be ruined like that".

A spokesman for Canterbury council told The Wind Farm, "We have asked for the removal of Mr Reynolds from the grotto, and would like him to be replaced by someone who says 'Ho! Ho! Ho! instead. Or at the very least, doesn't tell kids that Tory councillors don't exist". 

.

Councillor Mike Harrison has also called for the relocation of the grotto, which is based at Whitstable castle.

"I live right across the road, and the sound of kids enjoying themselves makes me want to puke", said Harrison, "Children should earn the right to sit on Santa's knee by cleaning chimneys or something".

Professor Eugene Flake to make Keira Knightley's neck shorter.

Professor Eugene Flake of the university of West Tankerton claims to have developed a method to make Keira Knightley's neck shorter.

Flake, 56, claims to have been working on the method for several months and has submitted his findings to the actress (Below)

"It took a while to work, as it involved physics and maths and stuff", Flake said, "But I hope Miss Knightley will be impressed".

Knightley (rightly) is known to have caused problems in all of her films, with her head often going out of shot due to her neck's length.

"In Love Actually, when she answers the door to Andrew Lincoln, she was actually on her knees. If she were standing, she would have been taller than the house", said Flake.

"My method is really quite simple", said Flake, "I will hit her on the head repeatedly with a frying pan until her head is approximately three inches from her shoulders".

"It's A Dangerous Method", joked Flake, "I just hope I don't Bend It Like Beckham", he joked again.  Knightley's agent said, "Keira is looking forward to having a shorter neck, but not looking forward to being hit on the head".

You know the Christmas lights, yeah? Canterbury Council buying them from abroad, right? China, they reckon. Guess what I heard? My mate's dad works for Maersk shipping, he was on the same ship as Captain Phillips when it got hijacked by those pirates. Jack Sparrow, yeah? Well guess what? Lights have been hijacked by Somalian pirates! Yeah. Unbeliveable. Just took the lights, nothing else. Crew handed them over. Actually, they took some car batteries as well, to power the lights. Not much electricity in Somalia. Get it for two days a week only. But plenty of shops. Little place called Abaan Weyn. Got high streets and all sorts, just like us. Reckon they've got their street lit up and looking well lush. Guess who they asked to switch the lights on? Council leader. John Gilbey. He's not going to, though. You know why? Expenses. Somalians couldn't afford him. Wanted to fly out first class. Wanted to stay at the poshest hotel. They reckon his expenses would have been worth more than the local economy. That's a load of old flannel about the lights not arriving on time. Ship got hijacked. Lights would have been here on time, they reckon. That's what I heard...and anyway, what happened to the lights they used last year, eh?

Locals claim Christmas pyramid has 'Miraculous Powers'

Shoppers claim to have seen Jesus under Christmas light structure.

As the UK braces itself for an inxodous of Bulgarians and Romans, Whitstable is expecting thousands of visitors to its Christmas pyramid after word spread of its miraculous powers.

The Pyramid, yesterday.

The pyramid, located at the end of Harbour Street after the Shapla restaurant but before Whitstable produce store, and opposite The Dukes has, claim locals, been performing miracles since its erection.

Local guitar legend Steve 'Blotz' Bolton told The Wind Farm, "I always struggled to play Richie Blackmore's guitar solo during 'Burn', but five minutes after standing beneath the pyramid, I could play it - with my feet!".

Pensioner Gertrude Hassock, 86, of Walmer Road said, "I have been waiting for a cataract operation for two years now. I visited the pyramid and now I can see through solid objects. If I'm in a funny mood, I can also melt them. Melt them, yessss...".

People passing the pyramid have also felt its powers, as motorist Ronnie Rumball told us. "I was driving my clapped out old volvo past the pyramid, and by the time I'd reached the end of Harbour Street, my car had turned into a gleaming new Ford Transit - with a tax disc!".

The pyramid doesn't always perform positive miracles, though, as local TV grocer Greg Wallace explained.

"I visited the pyramid in the hope that it would make me less annoying, but it didn't. I talk more crap on TV now than I ever did".

People wishing to visit the pyramid are being advised to do so between 5pm and 10pm, and are being asked to make a small donation to charity.

"Even the charities are benefiting from this", said local volunteer Jake Harris, "When I emptied the bucket yesterday, the coins had turned into fish. Hundreds of 'em. It's a Christmas miracle for sure".