The Wind Farm

’50p Man’ in conflict with undercutting superhero

Caped crusader’s pledge to scrounge less clears streets of nuisance ponce.

A street scrounger simply known as ‘50p Man’ has told The Wind Farm of his fury at being undercut by a caped superhero who scrounges for less.

Speaking from Reeves beach shelter, 50p Man said “It’s just plain unfair. I had cornered the market in scrounging 50p from townsfolk, but now I may have to drop to 35p because if this other mush”.

The battle began after several locals complained on Facebook about a man who was approaching them for 50p in an ‘aggressive and menacing way’.

One woman, who asked to remain anonymous, said “He approached me three times in the same day, and I told him to piss off. If he had been a bit more polite about it, he could have made £1.50 out of me that day”.

Within a day of the Facebook complaints appearing, a new street scrounger had arrived – a masked man who calls himself Captain Undercut – and it seems he has cornered the market.

Captain Undercut said, “I simply want to rid the streets of this rude man. And like all businesses, the one most likely to succeed is the one charging less and having better customer skills”.

This claim was backed up by Helen Emerald of Walmer Road, after an encounter with both.

“50p man accosted me in the street and demanded money without saying please or thank you. I ignored him and was approached by 40p Man ten minutes later. He was very polite and even kissed my hand and said ‘enchante’. He said I could give him a nosh for 30p. I didn’t of course, but it was very tempting offer. Tee Hee”.

Sgt Harold Par Boil (left) of Whitstable Police said, “I know times are hard but intimidating people for money isn’t the way forward. And the one in the cape is no better, either. Polite or not, he’s still a scrounging little ponce”.

Things are about to change on the streets of Whitstable this week, though. The Wind Farm understands that a flurry of scroungers are to hit the streets, with one charging as little as 10p.

“It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there”, said popular street drinker Alex McQue, “And if things don’t get better, I’ll have to eat MY dog. Scabs an’ all! LOL!!”.

Crab doughnuts a threat to local business.

A local business claims it may have to close after crabs started making doughnuts, using a recipe that they stole from them.

The owner of The Shack, a popular seafront eatery and drinkery, claims that crabs have been spying on them and has made a further accusation of industrial espionage against them.

“I know what they’re up to, the little bastards”, staff member and chief doughnut maker Carl Hawkins told us, “We are losing a great deal of trade to them and we can’t catch them either. They can run quicker than us AND bury themselves”.

The crabs, who have been setting ‘pop up’ shops around Whitstable beach were quick to defend their business, however.

“We’re just trying to make a living, like everyone else. If The Shack want to make something of it, they know where to find us”, said head crab chef ‘Rocky’.

But it seems that the crab’s venture into doughnut making may be under threat after university of West Tankerton nutritionist Hans Vidmark examined their recipe –and the results were shocking.

Some creme egg doughnuts, yesterday

“It seems that the crabs haven’t stolen any traditional doughnut recipe – they’ve invented their own”.

Vidmark claims that the crab’s version of the doughnut consisted of nothing more than sand, sea mud, sugar and salt, with hole in the middle punched out with a crab claw.

“They taste like a regular doughnut, but then anything tastes good if you pour sugar and salt into it”, said Vidmark, “Technically, the crabs aren’t doing anything wrong”.

“AND, we call them Donuts, not doughnuts. The Shack haven’t got a leg to stand on, whereas we have eight”, said Rocky.

Seagulls invading Seasalter because of gay marriages – Cllr Gibley

A recent influx of Seagulls to Seasalter has been blamed on homosexuals by councillor John Gibley.

The astonishing claim was made by the controversial councillor after a flock of seagulls took up residence in Seasalter, traditionally a no-go area for birds.

Local resident Carole Mulhern of Lucerne Drive  said, “No-one around here can remember seeing a Seagull in seasalter. Even old fisherman Albert Daley, and he’s 118 next week”.

Daley said, “I have lived here all my life and I remember seeing a pterodactyl once when I was a nipper. But never a seagull. They just don’t like it here”.

Gibley’s claim was overheard on a microphone which was left on at the end of a council meeting recently, but the 71 year old councillor is standing by his claim, telling The Wind Farm, “It’s no secret that gay marriages are to blame for recent floods, so who’s to say that the mis-navigation of Seagulls isn’t down to homosexuals as well? No-one has yet to prove me wrong, including scientists”.

Back in Seasalter, Daley, now 119, said it was probably to do with the weather. “It’s to do with the weird weather, not homosexuals. I remember seeing one when I was a nipper. Funny thing, he was. Locals tried to hang him. No, it’s definitely the weather. There’s an old saying, “If a Gull should appear, at this time of year, it’s abundantly clear, that the weather is queer”.

“This merely proves that I’m right”, said Gibley, “Even the weather’s turning queer. Q E fucking D”.

Michael Crawford Blue Plaque 'Unlikely' for Whitstable

A blue plaque to mark the spot in Whitstable where you can see Micahel Crawford's old house on Sheppey is unlikely to get the go ahead, according to Canterbury Council.

Crawford, yesterday.

The house, which is only visible from Whitstable when the sun's out, is directly opposite Wave Crest where residents recently made the application.

"We thought it would be a nice idea to mark the spot where you can see his birthplace", said resident Karen Doolittle, "And we're sure that Michael would rather be associated with Whitstable than Leysdown. We're the next best thing, surely".

Councillor Marjory Barjory said, "We can ill afford any more blue plaques right now. We're already having some 'Lived here' plaques made up for Janet Street-Porter, Al Murray, Harry Hill and that bird from the Tesco adverts for when they all move away. Having celebrities live in Whitstable is always a good pull for tourists, but expensive when it comes to blue plaques".

But the council have agreed to write 'You can also see Michael Crawford's house from here' on Peter Cushing's plaque which is further along the beach, using a marker pen.