’50p Man’ in conflict with undercutting superhero

Caped crusader’s pledge to scrounge less clears streets of nuisance ponce.

A street scrounger simply known as ‘50p Man’ has told The Wind Farm of his fury at being undercut by a caped superhero who scrounges for less.

Speaking from Reeves beach shelter, 50p Man said “It’s just plain unfair. I had cornered the market in scrounging 50p from townsfolk, but now I may have to drop to 35p because if this other mush”.

The battle began after several locals complained on Facebook about a man who was approaching them for 50p in an ‘aggressive and menacing way’.

One woman, who asked to remain anonymous, said “He approached me three times in the same day, and I told him to piss off. If he had been a bit more polite about it, he could have made £1.50 out of me that day”.

Within a day of the Facebook complaints appearing, a new street scrounger had arrived – a masked man who calls himself Captain Undercut – and it seems he has cornered the market.

Captain Undercut said, “I simply want to rid the streets of this rude man. And like all businesses, the one most likely to succeed is the one charging less and having better customer skills”.

This claim was backed up by Helen Emerald of Walmer Road, after an encounter with both.

“50p man accosted me in the street and demanded money without saying please or thank you. I ignored him and was approached by 40p Man ten minutes later. He was very polite and even kissed my hand and said ‘enchante’. He said I could give him a nosh for 30p. I didn’t of course, but it was very tempting offer. Tee Hee”.

Sgt Harold Par Boil (left) of Whitstable Police said, “I know times are hard but intimidating people for money isn’t the way forward. And the one in the cape is no better, either. Polite or not, he’s still a scrounging little ponce”.

Things are about to change on the streets of Whitstable this week, though. The Wind Farm understands that a flurry of scroungers are to hit the streets, with one charging as little as 10p.

“It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there”, said popular street drinker Alex McQue, “And if things don’t get better, I’ll have to eat MY dog. Scabs an’ all! LOL!!”.

Crab doughnuts a threat to local business.

A local business claims it may have to close after crabs started making doughnuts, using a recipe that they stole from them.

The owner of The Shack, a popular seafront eatery and drinkery, claims that crabs have been spying on them and has made a further accusation of industrial espionage against them.

“I know what they’re up to, the little bastards”, staff member and chief doughnut maker Carl Hawkins told us, “We are losing a great deal of trade to them and we can’t catch them either. They can run quicker than us AND bury themselves”.

The crabs, who have been setting ‘pop up’ shops around Whitstable beach were quick to defend their business, however.

“We’re just trying to make a living, like everyone else. If The Shack want to make something of it, they know where to find us”, said head crab chef ‘Rocky’.

But it seems that the crab’s venture into doughnut making may be under threat after university of West Tankerton nutritionist Hans Vidmark examined their recipe –and the results were shocking.

Some creme egg doughnuts, yesterday

“It seems that the crabs haven’t stolen any traditional doughnut recipe – they’ve invented their own”.

Vidmark claims that the crab’s version of the doughnut consisted of nothing more than sand, sea mud, sugar and salt, with hole in the middle punched out with a crab claw.

“They taste like a regular doughnut, but then anything tastes good if you pour sugar and salt into it”, said Vidmark, “Technically, the crabs aren’t doing anything wrong”.

“AND, we call them Donuts, not doughnuts. The Shack haven’t got a leg to stand on, whereas we have eight”, said Rocky.

Seagulls invading Seasalter because of gay marriages – Cllr Gibley

A recent influx of Seagulls to Seasalter has been blamed on homosexuals by councillor John Gibley.

The astonishing claim was made by the controversial councillor after a flock of seagulls took up residence in Seasalter, traditionally a no-go area for birds.

Local resident Carole Mulhern of Lucerne Drive  said, “No-one around here can remember seeing a Seagull in seasalter. Even old fisherman Albert Daley, and he’s 118 next week”.

Daley said, “I have lived here all my life and I remember seeing a pterodactyl once when I was a nipper. But never a seagull. They just don’t like it here”.

Gibley’s claim was overheard on a microphone which was left on at the end of a council meeting recently, but the 71 year old councillor is standing by his claim, telling The Wind Farm, “It’s no secret that gay marriages are to blame for recent floods, so who’s to say that the mis-navigation of Seagulls isn’t down to homosexuals as well? No-one has yet to prove me wrong, including scientists”.

Back in Seasalter, Daley, now 119, said it was probably to do with the weather. “It’s to do with the weird weather, not homosexuals. I remember seeing one when I was a nipper. Funny thing, he was. Locals tried to hang him. No, it’s definitely the weather. There’s an old saying, “If a Gull should appear, at this time of year, it’s abundantly clear, that the weather is queer”.

“This merely proves that I’m right”, said Gibley, “Even the weather’s turning queer. Q E fucking D”.

Michael Crawford Blue Plaque 'Unlikely' for Whitstable

A blue plaque to mark the spot in Whitstable where you can see Micahel Crawford's old house on Sheppey is unlikely to get the go ahead, according to Canterbury Council.

Crawford, yesterday.

The house, which is only visible from Whitstable when the sun's out, is directly opposite Wave Crest where residents recently made the application.

"We thought it would be a nice idea to mark the spot where you can see his birthplace", said resident Karen Doolittle, "And we're sure that Michael would rather be associated with Whitstable than Leysdown. We're the next best thing, surely".

Councillor Marjory Barjory said, "We can ill afford any more blue plaques right now. We're already having some 'Lived here' plaques made up for Janet Street-Porter, Al Murray, Harry Hill and that bird from the Tesco adverts for when they all move away. Having celebrities live in Whitstable is always a good pull for tourists, but expensive when it comes to blue plaques".

But the council have agreed to write 'You can also see Michael Crawford's house from here' on Peter Cushing's plaque which is further along the beach, using a marker pen.

Fury as Santa tells children 'Julian Brazier doesn't exist'.

"I was only trying to protect them", said tearful Father Christmas

Canterbury council have called for the sacking of a Santa Claus after he told children in his grotto that Tory MP Julian Brazier "Was made up to scare them".

Retired tyre fitter Harry Reynolds (Below), of Walmer Road, is alleged to have told children, some as young as three, that Julian Brazier was invented to scare them into being good before Christmas, so they would get the presents they'd asked for.

"I'd heard that some children were being told that if they weren't good, Julian Brazier would turn up on Christmas eve and steal their presents. He would arrive on a sleigh being pulled by Councillors John Gilbey and Mike Harrison", said the 72 year old.

"One tearful little girl said she was terrified that she wouldn't get the One Direction DVD that she wanted because she lived in Brazier's constituency. I couldn't allow their Christmas to be ruined like that".

A spokesman for Canterbury council told The Wind Farm, "We have asked for the removal of Mr Reynolds from the grotto, and would like him to be replaced by someone who says 'Ho! Ho! Ho! instead. Or at the very least, doesn't tell kids that Tory councillors don't exist". 

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Councillor Mike Harrison has also called for the relocation of the grotto, which is based at Whitstable castle.

"I live right across the road, and the sound of kids enjoying themselves makes me want to puke", said Harrison, "Children should earn the right to sit on Santa's knee by cleaning chimneys or something".

Professor Eugene Flake to make Keira Knightley's neck shorter.

Professor Eugene Flake of the university of West Tankerton claims to have developed a method to make Keira Knightley's neck shorter.

Flake, 56, claims to have been working on the method for several months and has submitted his findings to the actress (Below)

"It took a while to work, as it involved physics and maths and stuff", Flake said, "But I hope Miss Knightley will be impressed".

Knightley (rightly) is known to have caused problems in all of her films, with her head often going out of shot due to her neck's length.

"In Love Actually, when she answers the door to Andrew Lincoln, she was actually on her knees. If she were standing, she would have been taller than the house", said Flake.

"My method is really quite simple", said Flake, "I will hit her on the head repeatedly with a frying pan until her head is approximately three inches from her shoulders".

"It's A Dangerous Method", joked Flake, "I just hope I don't Bend It Like Beckham", he joked again.  Knightley's agent said, "Keira is looking forward to having a shorter neck, but not looking forward to being hit on the head".

You know the Christmas lights, yeah? Canterbury Council buying them from abroad, right? China, they reckon. Guess what I heard? My mate's dad works for Maersk shipping, he was on the same ship as Captain Phillips when it got hijacked by those pirates. Jack Sparrow, yeah? Well guess what? Lights have been hijacked by Somalian pirates! Yeah. Unbeliveable. Just took the lights, nothing else. Crew handed them over. Actually, they took some car batteries as well, to power the lights. Not much electricity in Somalia. Get it for two days a week only. But plenty of shops. Little place called Abaan Weyn. Got high streets and all sorts, just like us. Reckon they've got their street lit up and looking well lush. Guess who they asked to switch the lights on? Council leader. John Gilbey. He's not going to, though. You know why? Expenses. Somalians couldn't afford him. Wanted to fly out first class. Wanted to stay at the poshest hotel. They reckon his expenses would have been worth more than the local economy. That's a load of old flannel about the lights not arriving on time. Ship got hijacked. Lights would have been here on time, they reckon. That's what I heard...and anyway, what happened to the lights they used last year, eh?

Locals claim Christmas pyramid has 'Miraculous Powers'

Shoppers claim to have seen Jesus under Christmas light structure.

As the UK braces itself for an inxodous of Bulgarians and Romans, Whitstable is expecting thousands of visitors to its Christmas pyramid after word spread of its miraculous powers.

The Pyramid, yesterday.

The pyramid, located at the end of Harbour Street after the Shapla restaurant but before Whitstable produce store, and opposite The Dukes has, claim locals, been performing miracles since its erection.

Local guitar legend Steve 'Blotz' Bolton told The Wind Farm, "I always struggled to play Richie Blackmore's guitar solo during 'Burn', but five minutes after standing beneath the pyramid, I could play it - with my feet!".

Pensioner Gertrude Hassock, 86, of Walmer Road said, "I have been waiting for a cataract operation for two years now. I visited the pyramid and now I can see through solid objects. If I'm in a funny mood, I can also melt them. Melt them, yessss...".

People passing the pyramid have also felt its powers, as motorist Ronnie Rumball told us. "I was driving my clapped out old volvo past the pyramid, and by the time I'd reached the end of Harbour Street, my car had turned into a gleaming new Ford Transit - with a tax disc!".

The pyramid doesn't always perform positive miracles, though, as local TV grocer Greg Wallace explained.

"I visited the pyramid in the hope that it would make me less annoying, but it didn't. I talk more crap on TV now than I ever did".

People wishing to visit the pyramid are being advised to do so between 5pm and 10pm, and are being asked to make a small donation to charity.

"Even the charities are benefiting from this", said local volunteer Jake Harris, "When I emptied the bucket yesterday, the coins had turned into fish. Hundreds of 'em. It's a Christmas miracle for sure".

Local man wins right to call Squeeze 'A pile of shit'

Judge dismisses drunken slur claim after listening to Babylon And On.

A local man has won a court ruling which allows him to slag off pop band Squeeze.

Norman Forman, of Walmer Road, is alleged to have called Glen Tilbrook 'A poor man's Paul McCartney' when he performed his solo show in Whitstable recently, following it up with 'Squeeze were a pile of shit'.

Squeeze "Downgraded'

Tilbrook immediately cancelled the rest of his tour, and launched a lawsuit against Forman for emotional distress, slander and loss of earnings.

But the presiding judge Justice Ken Holloway overturned his claim and awarded Forman damages of £20,000 after listening to Babylon And On, arguably Squeeze's shittiest album (according to Forman).

Summing up, Justice Holloway said, "I've no doubt that Forman was drunk when he attacked Tilbrook, but you'd have to be pissed to even think about going to see any member of Squeeze perform live. Including Jools Holland".

"Having listened to both arguments, as well as Squeeze themselves, I have awarded damages to Forman, and for the record, would like to upgrade the insult from 'A pile of shit' to 'Absolutely fucking dreadful'.

Leaving court, Tilbrook told The Wind Farm, "This is a bad day for Squeeze.".

Alan Rickman told to leave Whitstable amid terrorist fears.

Rickman told, "We don't want any trouble this Christmas".

Die Hard villain Alan Rickman has been told by Whitstable police to stay away from town amid fears that he may try and take over a building and hold shoppers hostage.

Rickman, who once ordered the cancelling of Christmas during his role of The Sheriff of Nottingham in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, was spotted in Harbour Books last Saturday and a cautious customer immediately called the police.

"I recognised him immediately", said Victoria Street of Albert Street, "And I knew it was Hans Gruber. I called the police immediately".

Sgt Harold Par Boil of Whitstable police said, "It's worth remembering that we never actually saw Hans Gruber die at the end of Die Hard. We saw him fall from the Nakatomi building, but he could have landed on something soft like an old mattress for all we know".

Rickman was immediately frisked and held at Whitstable police station for 48 hours, under the prevention of terrorism act. After two days of interrogation, Rickman was freed with a caution and told to leave Whitstable.

Artist Bruce Williams: 'A bit scared'

"We don't want this sort of person causing trouble in Whitstable", said Par Boil, "He could easily have taken over that block of flats in Belmont Road. Him and all his mates".

Rickman's removal came as a relief to local gallery owner and artist Bruce Williams, who said, "I was a bit scared, to be honest. Take the 'iam' out of my name, and you're left with 'Willis', and we all know how those two don't get along".

Rickman's agent said, "Alan has no plans to return to Whitstable. Or Nottingham".

______________________________________________

A new adventure with....

Counterpoint  -  With Col M Farquar - Ladygarden (Retd)

And finally...

The homeless mouse that was mentioned in Pink Floyd's 'Bike' song has died at a celebrity mouse retirement home in Whitstable.

'Gerald', as he was referred to, died after a brief illness. He was 42. 

Speaking from a skirting board in The Pearson's where the mice live, mouse Hans Cruyff, who was the mouse who went clip clippity clop up the stairs in Ronnie Hilton's Windmill In Old Amsterdam told The Wind Farm, "He'll be missed, for sure. For years, he didn't have a house, as mentioned in Pink Floyd's song, but he was always happy here".

Keam’s Yard car park to play theme to The Magic Roundabout to drivers.

Council erect speakers to make motorist’s suffering more bearable.

Canterbury Council are to spend £200,000 on installing a new PA system in Keam’s Yard car park.

The move, which has been welcomed by motorists, aims to make the eternal task of finding a parking space in the car park a more ‘pleasurable’ experience. Motorists have been known to spend on average a total of two hours driving round and round in circles in the vain hope of finding a parking space.

Speaking from the department for impossible car parks, Cllr Marjory Barjory told us, “The fact is, there are only 60 parking spaces, but an average of 700 drivers an hour  pour into it and spend the next hour driving round and round in circles. We aim to make their circuit more bearable”.

The Magic Roundabout, yesterday

Stan Getzandgilberto, a motorist from Thetford, said “This is great news. I got caught up in Keam’s yard car park recently, and ran out of fuel driving round and round in circles”.

Another motorist, Graham Parker, said, “I visited Whitstable, and by the time I’d found somewhere to park, my insurance had run out as I’d been driving round and round in circles for three months. If only I had the theme to the Magic Roundabout to listen to, I may not have eaten my passengers”, he told us from prison.

The Magic Roundabout theme, which was written by Rick Wakeman, will blast out from the speakers during peak weekend hours, and will be activated by a solar panel which kicks in the second the sun comes out.

“I hope it makes their visit more memorable, when they’re crawling along at a snail’s pace” said Barjory, “Driving round and round in circles for hours can be fun, if you have the right music to listen to”.

She added, “We are also looking at adding Florence And The Machine to the playlist. And Bob Dylan”.

Homeless man freed from beach barbecue bin.

“I thought I would die”, said voracious vagrant.

Emergency services were called to Whitstable beach last Saturday after a tramp became wedged inside a barbecue bin.

The metal bin, outside the Waterfront Bar, had become a home to vagrant Harry Keaton after discovering it was a free source of hot food. Beach barbecuers tip any leftover into the bins, and the council empty it on a Monday morning.

But when council workers arrived last Monday, they are said to have heard muffled cries for help, as well as farting from inside.

“We couldn’t open the bin, as it had become warped by the tramps expanding waistline” said council bin emptier Albert Smith, “So we called emergency services and the fire brigade had to cut the poor man out. He still had a half masticated burger in his mouth”.

Keaton, now living under an upturned boat on west beach, said “Some of the sausages weren’t cooked throughout. Never be fooled by a cooked outer skin, and always cut one open to see if it’s cooked throughout before serving. The same applies for chicken legs, which shouldn’t show any signs of pinkness, however faint”.

Sgt Harold Par Boil, of Whitstable police said, “We would like to discourage vagrants from hiding in bins in order to dine for free. In fact, we’d like to discourage them in every way possible. It’s Oyster Fesitval weekend this week, and we don’t want DFLs thinking this is Herne Bay or Sittingbourne, do we?”.

Katie Hopkins on the homeless living in bins.

Hopkins - 'Mercedes'

We asked The Apprentice failure and all round horse faced fucking gobshite Nazi cunt puffin Katie Hopkins what she thinks of homeless bin dwelling vagrants.

“As long as the bin was made in a British factory, by someone with a traditional name like Arthur or Harold, I’d have no problem with it. Similarly, I’d expect the vagrant to have a name similar to the aforementioned. Tramps shouldn’t be called Brooklyn or Chardonnay or Mercedes. No, definitely not. If the tramp was called something like that, I wouldn’t bother freeing them, I’d stick a flame thrower in the slot and incinerate them.  As long as the flame thrower was made by someone with a classy name”.

'Counterpoint' - with Col M. Farquar - Ladygarden (Retd)

World War 2 Bomb ‘Unlikely to date from Roman Times’.

An unexploded world war two bomb is at the centre of a bitter dispute between a local metal detectorist, and a university historian.

Doug Upp, a metal detectorist from Walmer Road, claims that the bomb dates back to Roman times, and could therefore be worth thousands, if not millions.

But university of West Tankerton historian Prof Harold Walton has dismissed this claim, saying it’s worthless and Upp should hand it over to the police before it explodes.

Upp, 67, has been holed up in his home since the dispute began, and is refusing to hand the bomb over until it gets valued at a ‘more realistic price than mere scrap’.

A Bomb (Not in Wardour Street)

He claims it dates back to Roman times because it has “Bekommen ein fein label , Liebe die Luftwaffe” written on the side which he claims is Latin for “This bomb is from Roman times and is worth thousands”.

“It actually stands for ‘Have a nice day, love the Luftwaffe’...,” said Walton, “The Germans aren’t historically renowned for their sense of humour. They were obviously in a good mood that day, having captured France or something”.

Speaking from a nearby church hall, that has become home to Walmer Road residents whilst negotiating teams deal with Upp, neighbour Tom Finch said, “This is not the first time Upp has done this. Last year, he found a 10p piece on the beach and insisted it was a pendant worn by the queen because it had her picture on it. He really is a fucking pain in the arse”.

Sgt Harold Par Boil, of Whitstable police, said, “Negotiations are on-going with Mr Upp, and I think we’ll just have to give him a false verification certificate from the national trust, and a case full of money to tempt him out. Then we’ll give him a good slap and get him put in St Martin’s hospital, where he clearly belongs”.

...’Ere. Prince Charles and Camilla, right? In the harbour. Eating Oysters and banging drums...guess what? It wasn’t them!  Yeah! Couple of actors! Mate of mine works at Buckingham Palace and he reckons they were there all day, and not in Whitstable. Know why? Camilla doesn’t like sea air, turns her a funny colour they reckon. And Charles doesn’t like oysters anyway. Had one once and was on the throne for three days – not the throne obviously. Sat on the bog. Went through about fifty loo rolls, they reckon. You know where they get their bog roll from, don’tcha? Harrods! Yeah, ironic eh? Anyway, so the Queen contacts some lookalike agency and she asks for a Charles and Camilla lookalike and they send these two actors round to the palace and get them suited and booted. Couple of rehearsal walks around the palace gardens and they’re off. Got paid a few grand each and a bit extra for hush-hush money. But there were tell-tale mistakes in their performance that gave ‘em away. Camilla, right?  She NEVER looks people in the eye, and doesn’t like shaking hands with children. Reminds her of dwarfs and she hates dwarfs. Look at the pictures in the Whitstable papers. Shaking hands with kids, and at one point she even holds a baby and kisses it. What a giveaway! And also, Charles doesn’t like drumming. Hates it. So why would he appear to be banging one anyway? And I’ll tell you something else an’ all. Those oysters, right? Guess what? They weren’t oysters at all. They were pretend oysters. Sweets, they were. Everyone knew they were sweets, got ‘em from sugar boy they did. Everyone was told to keep quiet about it at the harbour, paid ‘em a bit of hush money as well. You listen to the recording of when ‘Charles’ says “The things I do for Whitstable” after chugging down an oyster. Don’t sound nothing like him. Sounds like Lee Evans, It wasn’t Lee Evans but it sounded like him. Couple of actors, I tell ya. Whitstable couldn’t afford the real thing anyway. Royals charge way too much, you know that? And that Bentley they pulled up in? Wasn’t a Bentley at all. Bentley body on the outside, Smart Car on the inside. That’s what I heard....